The motivation to write this article is mostly due to the comments generated in Atthai [Link], m-zee’s post [Link] and partly because I would like to recount the semi-biographical story of a cute TamBram kid – me (Believe me I was cute then)! Thanks Shri et al for kindling the fire. While reading the story, the details around Atthai’s life presented a very familiar picture. From kaapi ragam to madisar maamis to marukelara, I could visualize it all. And when the story hits the climax (Naughty minds, not that one!), though heart-wrenching it was, I felt a sense of vindication for my own queerness.
See, My parents were awesome and like every other middle class TamBram family told me to cram and encoraged me to be the geeky kid in my class. It was not weird by any means because from Aarti to Mythili to Ramanujam to Venkataraghavan, every kid wore glasses by 2nd grade and looked totally geeky.
[If you did not know, the TamBram families in my parents generation had a fascination for multisyllable names – the more the merrier and the more blessings we could invoke in just one name. For funsies try these, sriramachandramoorthy, thirupurasundari and abithagujambal. I pitied the teachers for they would be out of breath by the time they were done with the rollcall. Another observation is, we for sure do not name “Happy Iyer” and “Bunty Iyengar“. Its an adultery because the numerology aspect of the name would be in distress and mostly out of fear that the Gods will become crazy.]
My parents made it clear from first grade that anything but first rank will not fetch me a good college and ofcourse God’s Grace. That was another source of confusion for me. If God really has thought out everything for me, then why insult His intelligence? I could rather take it easy, right? Anyways I did not have the guts to ask this ever to my parents. And believe me, this thought is by no way original and it did not come to me until later. Because I was not the smartest kid and I could not reach numero uno, the arrival of marksheets were a constant source of Physical Training – for me and my mom.. I would run around the house and my mom would chase me with a broomstick. (Amy Chua, I do pity your kids[Link, Link].)
They put the thought in me that without education I was doomed. It did have a positive effect on me, although a little later in life. I found myself in the “Wall of Shame” when the JEE and Class 12 exam results were published. I found that I had failed to secure a seat into the only 2 permissible institutions for TamBrams– IIT and BITS-Pilani. I still managed to salvage some pride by graduating college and convince a University in the US to take me in for grad school. I do think of it as a Cinderella story. To protect the honor of the University, I will refrain from talking about it.
See, I grew up in a liberal-leaning conservative household. I was surrounded by people who told me how awesome it was to be a TamBram. They also told me that our families were very broad-minded. I did not know in what context but I was lucky enough to take that with a grain of salt. I was brainwashed to a certain degree and with my innocence I believed that was true. I spent more time solving differential calculus than I thought about anything else until of course I hit adolescence. So when I realised my Queerness was not going anywhere, I was shocked, ashamed and confused. It was intense because I was also ashamed of being a TamBram. I had not heard of a single soul like me. Long story short, it took me a whole decade to understand that being Queer and being TamBram can mutually exist. And it is for this same reason that I am writing this post.
Queer folks everywhere – be proud of who you are. You can take pride in your upbringing, heritage, nationality and what not and yet be proud and comfortable being Queer. Would you rather be an interesting, adventurous person or a mundane, normal, yet-another-kid-in-the-block person? Just remember, there is nothing called Normal in this world. Everyone is eccentric, everyone has their idiosyncrasy and everyone is weird. We, Queers just like to make it look a little more flamboyant. We “live” our lives. So live a gay Queer life.
And if you are wondering, yes! I love my filter kaapi (coffee) and the quintessential curd rice with aavakaai(mango) pickle. If Punjabis can drool over Butter chicken why shouldn’t we? 😀
PostScript: If this post is helpful to even one person, please contact me immediately. I have decided to pursue “motivational” speaking as a fulltime career. Deepak, Watch out! I am coming!!
Any existing Chopras in the (Gaysi) household, please support me, even if Deepak is related to you. I implore you to talk it out with me and we will strike a deal.
wow that was awesome. i loved the semi-autobiographical take in this story. You’re awesome Rashmi. You know that but i feel the need to repeat it. I have a lot of admiration for people coming from conservative backgrounds who can be themselves. very inspiring.
I think we desperately need a gaysi motivational speaker speaking out to make gaysis motivate themselves to be themselves. Deepak Chopra is awesome he is also gay friendly and supports gay people but to have someonoe who knows about it be a motivational speaker would be awesome..
I really don’t need a deal..but i do have a request…
i want to go on a blind (or non blind) date with any single gaysi editor? Can you make that dream come true for me Rashmi? Can you? That is all i ask. This gaysi can be from any continent i’m fine with that.
In return you’ll get any support you need to become the next gaysi chopra
🙂 let me know if the deal is suitable for you.to become the next gaysi chopra…unlimited massages by a professional masseuse to squeeze out all that tension residing in ur muscles.. If that does not convince you i am prepared to bribe you (Indian style :P) with (yellow) flowers, chocolates..etc whatever it takes for that one chance.
I have said it a zillion times before and I say it again; Rashmi I shall forever be grateful to Broom for bringing YOU to Gaysi. And in my life. You have time and again compelled me to think beyond my 4 meter head block. And enriched me as a human being * okay the rest of you STOP chuckling *
I *heart* U!
*Chuckle*
chucklechuckle
Ah women women women….they just Lub me! 😀
*shouting from the rooftops*
I w0000000T this post ! It was hilarious, quirky, relatable and oh-so-true all in one!! and differential calculus is an important life skill, vokay va? 😀
Can I be your manager on the speaking circuit ?
I was reading this post on the train last night . I sit in the quiet car and I almost got yelled at, as I was laughing and giggling (a little loud), reading this post.
I could relate to almost every thing you have written , from the tongue twister name ( My “Sharma” name is my grandfather’s name, it is 18 letters and every other letter is an “A”) to being on the “Wall of Shame” (I got 80% on my 12th grade, which is a score to be ashamed of!). My grandma was extremely orthodox, she didn’t let any of my non-brahmin friends inside our dinning/kitchen area and we had to use different utensils if they ever asked for water… all that nonsense. I rebelled at a very young age and detested being a TamBrahm. I haven’t made peace with it yet, but your post definitely pushes me to take a look back and I owe you for that.
Thanks for this thought-provoking, beautifully written peace.
Lovely post Rashmi!
It does help me.. for a different reason, main point being that.. be yourself, no matter what.. For now the conflict for me is not about my upbringing as a ‘Maharashtrian brahmin’ but the other things that come encoded with it, which one goes not even realise.. untill one is confronted by it- in a manner of seeming to not fit ‘in’. Perhaps it is a topic for another post..
Cheers to you!
(And I am a great fan of ‘kaapi’ and ‘dosai’, so do treat me to some when we meet..;)
ROFL.
you are such a cute geek 😀
this is what i call true “zen”
fantastic piece.. touches deep chords within with a tingling sensation of amusement and seriousness.
i totally love this. this one here is your disciple gaysi guru.
you are my star!
I feel like I should write about being a BangBrahm now!
So what’s the game plan for getting our Gaysi Chopra a gig???
Love this 🙂 I grew up with all the TamBram’s because I’m a MalluBram and my dad speaks better Tamil than Malayalam because he grew up in Tamil Nadu :-p So I’m practically a TamBram, and I could relate!
Good luck! You will hit only home runs I am sure!
oh, and LOL at the multisyllable names. i always crack up when the caller ID tries to pronounce “prabakharashekharan”
I neither belong to the clan of Tams nor to the Brams , but I am still an ardent fan of ….wait….what is it called…the yellow delish pulverized thingy…argh…my memory is classic. Anyways, it is highly amusing to notice that back in India, being geeky was totally being a rockstar, unlike the western world. Except, we were made to indulge too much in the gradesheet than in rockstars. Shame. I would have known i was gay back in 8th grade when i shamelessly flirted with the damsels, only if I was remotely aware of my prized skill. But then, in a way, I am thankful to all the cramming we had to go through. It is shocking to watch 10 year old’s whip out a smoke in the world that I am in.
@Rashmi : toast to you and to us! For celebrating our passion and cheesy-ness with exemplary equanimity! And for having a sense of humor that does cut through the glass, despite of hailing from such conservative background.
Two things came to mind.
1. O Podu! 😉
2. That wierd song in that very wierd movie:(Don’t even ask why)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAQICFQzD3s
Rashmi,
That was a wonderful post. My story is very similar to yours. Another queer tamil Brahmin here and I am already come out to my father, brother, cousins and several friends. I am yet to come out to my mother. My journey has been pretty smooth so far. I am very proud of my tamil culture but I am equally proud of being an Indian American liberal political junkie. The past few years, my personal journey has been less about coming out and more about balancing my various identities. Yet, I know I wont be at peace until I come out to my mother and hopefully it can happen sometime by the end of this year. But I am glad to know that I am not the only one and it really warms my heart to read accounts of people’s lives that are similar to mine. Please keep writing. You inspire more than you think. Good luck to you.
Not that anybody’s asking. but I’m Punjabi and I like curd rice more than butter chicken,
Harumph!
n
[…] It is Wedding season on Gaysi! (Miss Zero’s “Gaysi Wedding Dreams” & “My Dream : Super Lesbian Wedding“). Apparently this is also the season of TamBrahms! (Shri’s “Aththai“ & Rashmi’s “Am I a Queer TamBrahm?“). […]
This may be late aanaal I want to drop my two cents.
Well, that’s really an interesting story. I myself am an asexual (i.e. not heterosexual not homosexual, no nothing) but I support rights. Aanaalum I question the very need to support because if the TamBrahms today respected the Gods so much then they would realise that they’re not against “deviant” sexual alignments. In fact for instance it is said in the Vedas amongst other texts that “vik?ti evam prak?ti” (“that which seems unnatural is also natural”) and Krishna even said, to paraphrase, “It does not matter to me if you are male or female or otherwise; it does not matter to me if you like men or women or otherwise; I will love all of you equally, and as long as you confide in me and ask me for help I shall help you.”
As a Sanskrit-obsessed extremely TamBrahmish TamBrahm (who actually still follows aajaaram-anushtaaram, including ecchil, et cetera) who is filled with the “natural” spirit of enquiry myself I did a lot more research and it seems that only in the post-Vedic age, especially when other countries invaded us so much did this feer of homosexuality arise. Edhukkidhu? No idea why people have to be so scared of things that don’t affect them. If there exist predatory gay people then let’s talk about the recent rapes and all, where the victims were girls (and if that’s not predatory heterosexuality then I don’t know what is).
Well certainly I shout ayyayyo whenever someone starts talking about sex and things because I’m konjam prude in that sense—I was raised that way but, in a somewhat conservative TamBrahm household with relatively close-minded parents and very close minded other family—but that goes for hetero sex too. I honestly don’t seem
Unfortunately i don’t share the TamBrahm affinity for filter kaapi or aavakaai ooruga or avviyal or thuvaiyal or thayirsaadam or saattramuthu and all, and frankly that probably makes me less of a TamBrahm than you are. =P
But yes my name is a classic Sanskrit name and my full name is damn long (30 letters almost) and omg so funny when those Americans try and pronounce it. XD
Still, I hope you read this and know that you have a religious retort at least if some faux-religious nut comes and shouts ‘OMG U GAY U CONDEMND GO TO NARAKAM” or something. Blech.
So thanks for the article, your story is great. =) Not a Chopra, but still go you! And go everyall!
Rashmi, this is so awesome!
I’d love to talk to you more about an online resource I’m working on called OutBound, with the goal of making sure no one is alone when they come out. We’re connecting people in the closet with personalized mentors who have been in their shoes, regardless of the mentee’s location or situation. I’m a white high schooler from Tucson, Arizona, but I can relate to your experiences in defying the expectations of a conservative environment. I think your story would connect well with many people, so I’d love to connect about becoming a potential mentor.