Wherever I go, no matter the place or time, I just know that different versions of my younger self are watching. As eerie as that sounds, it is the dreams that have not been grieved for that keep them alive. These are dreams that I no longer connect to in the present, and yet there is a faint thread still tying them to me. Is it time to finally reach for the scissors and cut these old dreams loose?
These thoughts stirred vigorously in my mind after watching the Haunting of Bly manor. The story’s protagonist, Dani, is being followed by the possible apparition of her dead fiancé. She somehow lets go of the guilt as the show goes on, and only then gets to explore the version of herself that actually likes women. You slowly see how the relationship develops between Dani and Jamie and how they do get years together with the possibility of the Bly manor’s ghost in Dani possessing her at any moment. As the story progresses, you see that Jamie is left alone always hoping for Dani to return to her. Their story made me ponder over the ghosts that still haunt me to this day. The little version of me that did like girls but ignored that voice and stuffed that notion deep down as indirectly it was something I couldn’t act on or feel.
The moment I stopped fighting this queer version of myself, the dreams of a big fancy wedding or that perfect home with a loving partner and kids (+the furry kind of babies, one cat and dog) all disappeared. I would have to rediscover what these supposed “big milestones” would look like for a baby queer like me. The examples mentioned have been achieved by many queer people in the world but the struggles in getting there also has its own voice. For example, I grew up watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. It has its list of flaws and its attempts at introducing certain themes in the 90s.
Seeing a lesbian couple being able to get married was an awestriking moment for little me and yet in the rest of the episodes, the jokes around Chandler’s sexuality confused me. Queer relationships were green lit and yet it still felt in the orange zone, the middle. Here, the ghosts of what could have been if the plot had woven Chandler’s exploration of sexuality, Monica adopting a child without a partner, Phoebe’s hinted bisexuality, etc.
Apart from the ghostly queer version there also exists the straight ghost. This ghost shows up especially during festivities such as weddings. With how difficult it is to exist as a queer person, sometimes I entertain the thought of another reality, “if I should have stayed straight and continued to ignore the what ifs”. These are merely thoughts and not what I wish could have happened as I also remember the heights of uncomfortableness as a disguised straight person.
While many queer and trans people are out and loud about who they are, many live with a mask on either due to family situations or living situations. The what if’s haunting us at random time for instance two secretly queer people know that they like one another. However, it has to remain a what if due to family circumstances. The story hadn’t even begun and will sadly forever be one of those unwritten stories. For the half open closeted queers, I see you and your struggles.
For those who are finally away from reasons that held you back from being free, is it time to cut the tethers of the different dreams younger you had and find them through different ways? What does that life look like through a queer lens? Sometimes befriending these ghosts can get us closer to understanding what they’re holding for us or you can keep sword fighting away these ghosts until you feel comfy confronting them. I assume the basic ideas that fueled these abandoned dreams is finding a place to belong, to feel safe and accepted, or even just being more comfortable in your skin. Maybe we can start small and finally strike a conversation with that cool person you saw on the train, going to a book store and starting a small conversation with others or researching more about a queer label you were curious about. Unexpected scenarios, whether good or bad, can come from places that seem haunting and challenging.
