Maya sat in the living room, holding onto their favourite figurine of a character they adored from a young age. Slowly, they look up at their own reflection and admit that they never really had a crush on this character like they always thought they had. In fact, it’s their gender that Maya had liked all along. It blew their mind in ways their baby queer heart couldn’t imagine. How had they mistaken gender envy for romantic longing?
From a young age, Maya knew that they weren’t leaning into the big lie that romance was only meant to happen between a boy and a girl. During playtime, they made sure that Barbie and Raquelle were getting married instead; and Ken? He was the best man. From wearing the cutest dresses as a kid, to presenting more masculine during their teen years, to finally being okay with embracing both of these energies in their life, Maya had found balance in everyday life.
During this process, fictional characters had played a huge role in shaping how they expressed themselves and even in understanding their sexuality. Women? Men? Both? Eh, who cares.
“Crushes on characters like Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle, Reno from Final Fantasy, Jake Peralta from Brooklyn99, Gwen from Ben 10, Makoto from Persona 5, etc. They’re just my crushes, right? Or did I just like them for the way they presented their gender? Maybe both…”
(Internal screaming ensues in Maya’s head.)
So, let’s understand how Maya may have gotten here.
Maya raises their head from their little existential corner and nods.
At a young age, we absorb almost every detail from our environment like the shows we watch or the people we meet. These things play a major role in influencing everything from our tiniest choices to the biggest ones.
What exactly is gender expression?
Gender expression is how you present yourself to the world.
It’s visible through outfit choices, hairstyles, shoes, makeup, behaviour, body language, and even the tone of your voice. A person’s chosen name and pronouns also contribute to this.
So how is gender identity different?
Gender identity is the flip side of the same coin: it’s what is on the inside of the person.
It’s the way you experience your own gender. Your gender identity might match the gender you were assigned at birth or it might lie somewhere else on the spectrum.
For example:
You might feel uncomfortable wearing a piece of clothing that doesn’t feel like “you.”
So, you change how you look externally to feel more at ease internally.
Now, when gender identity and expression don’t match up, you experience gender dysphoria.
A fun little basket of delight…NOT.
Understanding what exactly it is that attracts us to people or characters can help get through the envy. Is it the way they carry themselves, their behaviour, clothes, mannerisms? Are they beautiful just because they are, or have we been taught to see certain genders as beautiful in a specific way?
As a baby queer, we are thrust into the queer side of the world, which opens the doors to a place where you can be anything, and sometimes this can help you find which version of yourself that fits. However, there are stereotypes for every identity under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella too. If you’re a lesbian, you may find yourself questioning if you’re butch or femme enough. Or if you are gay, the expectations of not being “manly” enough or being too much of a fem-boy can be frustrating and confusing. If you’re genderfluid, what are the different ways of presenting your gender that you gravitate towards? Is it more of a societal assumption of androgyny, masculine, or feminine? These extremes leave no room for the in-between. And who are these people that are judging you may ask?
They may be family members, co-workers, or even random people you see on the street. Their ideas of these labels vary from person to person and it can get exhausting if you were to educate each of them constantly. This is why having queer fictional character representation matters. It becomes a bit easier to reference them instead of using your personal experiences.
The idea is to question the unconscious biases passed down to you so that you can slowly understand what makes you who you are and feel more comfortable in your skin.
By questioning gender biases, we gradually throw away the pieces of internalised homophobia that were fed to us from a young age.
You can sit down and make a list of the characters whose gender expression brings about this feeling of envy or even aspiration. What is your envy trying to tell you? Note down how you can change your gender expression to feel more comfortable internally. Even if it is wearing those beautiful long earrings like Howl, learning to do your makeup to make you look more feminine or masculine, depending on what you are leaning towards, and even changing the tone of voice from time to time, etc. All of these small changes do make a difference. These are also the stepping stones for reaching the one amazing feeling we want: gender euphoria!
Happy experimenting!~
