I’ve been thinking a lot about love, nature, the idea of how we make ourselves “loveable”, or more like desirable and digestible in order to be loved. In all honesty, I’m just not attracted to people. Is it because I might be aro-ace? Nope, pretty sure I’m not. I think I may have rationalised love a little too much. By rationalizing I mean, I like to love but from a proper, understandable distance. Every time one of my friends has cried to me about the things their ex has done, they are also apologizing for crying and “burdening” me in the first place – which makes no sense to me, because we’re here to love and rant to our heart’s fullest! What confuses me is the factors we resort to comfort them in this situation. The way we justify to our friends why someone is objectively the perfect person or a ‘bad’ person to date.

Also read: Queer Platonic Relationships

“You should totally date them, they’re financially stable and go to therapy! Bare minimum but it makes sense”  – as we say.

I realize how much that makes me sound like an aunty trying to fix my friends up with a “nice girl/boy”. I may not have internalized the traditional values that make a good partner, but I surely have internalized the framework.

Unlucky Or Unlovable?

Back when I was a teenager, I used to think romance would be the final piece of the puzzle that was my teenage years. But behold, 5 years since the last of my teenage years, I have but a single heartbreaking situationship on my CV. Naturally, I began my 20s with the age old question: “am I unlovable?”

Having been in therapy for a while, I now know how my brain works. The rat in my brain loves to loathe me, saying, “yes you are inherently a horrible person”. However, after regular CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) sessions, the protective part of it now instinctively takes over to coddle the said rat by telling them that it’s just the way things are (and not who I am)! People are emotionally and physically unavailable because life sucks! After all, we have 24 hours in a day, and what do you mean I gotta work 9 hours out of them?

Also read: On How Love Set me Free to be Who I am

Do You Have Time To Love?

No one truly has time for love, or to pursue love. Does that mean love is now, only for the rich? No of course not, the rich themselves see love as merely transactional. Which also isn’t much different from what we’re taught too. Meanwhile, as much as I love economic stability, I really do want someone who has a life of their own, understands the political climate, empathizes with my queerness and neurodivergence. In return, I grace them with my presence in their life (totally a joke)! Rich folx on the other hand, I imagine, just want to get married so they can get rid of the black money that’s rotting away, and acquire a potential competition to join their own team! 

I do want to blame the international film industry for selling me this capsule idea of love. It’s curated, unlike our lives, such that the two protagonists shall fall in love with each other. It takes my emotions and wraps them up in a dream-like sequence and sells it back to me to, possibly, distract me from the horrors of life under capitalism. I’m still debating if it’s okay to take an absurdist Camus-eque route and enjoy these movies while still keeping up with the news cycle.

Also read: The Enduring Influence of Romance in Hindi Cinema: Escapism, Expectations, and Evolution 

Essentially, romance has been the solidifying push that enabled gender roles. Consequently, queer romance and love have become a leading factor in breaking those roles. Romantic movies have clear tropes with certain traits associated with being loveable, and certain others that aren’t. Recognising this pattern was a cool move by feminist scholars, and queer folx have also been pushing back on how we see, understand and perform love.

Also read: Too Love or Not Too Love

Pan-icking Through Pansexuality

Every time I have managed to like a cis-het man (can’t help it!), my queerness and neurodivergence have played a role in making me seem interesting to them. Yet, they all still want a woman who matches the cultural values that their family comes from. While my queerness and neurodivergence aren’t mere personality traits that make me cool, they’re parts of who I am that cannot be reduced to be digestible in order to be likable!

In my opinion, the “consequences” of liking someone these days include feeling vulnerable, being walked over, and the worst of all, feeling like your Uber driver just gave you 4 out of 5 stars for a super peaceful ride. I don’t think I would mind paying the price of being loved and changed, as long as it doesn’t change me to fit a specific mold. I’m not a commodity that was made to be liked, but a person to be loved.

Going forward, everytime I end up in a similar conversation with my queer-mates-in-hate, I’ll remind myself that neither person has to change our queerness, adjust our mental wellness or the emotions that come with it, or conceal our disabilities in order to present as a convenient partner. I’ll remember that neither of us need a stamp of approval from past friends, partners or even family members in order to be loveable today.

We Love Regardless

Finding partners has definitely gotten worse with time. Everyone seems to want something casual and while it’s nice, fun and freeing, I miss it when that was an option and not a norm. I’m somehow either expected to be this missing gap of new perspectives for a person who is not queer or neurotypical, or this “super chill” laid back person who doesn’t take anything seriously. Or still yet, this person who is irrationally ready to be the other half of a full-fledged relationship from the get-go. My pursuits of romance have not been fruitful, and that’s not because I’m unlucky or unlovable. It’s probably because I don’t fit into the molds that people want to fit me into.

But maybe in a few months, I’ll discover a completely new way to approach love and romance. And will I not love until then? Absolutely not!