Think about the first time you found out what a blow job meant. Did you think the idea was a little yucky initially? Sure later you may have grown to love it, but admit it… when you first became aware of what a blow job was, didn’t you wonder why would anyone who cares about you make you do that? Did it feel a little demeaning? Relax. No one is judging you. Understanding and appreciating oral sex takes time and it’s common for beginners to feel a little anxious and even a little repulsed at first.

Now think about the first time you actually gave someone a blow job. Did you feel this was your partner’s way of establishing the roles in the relationship? Did you feel like you needed to get it over with? Or maybe your anxiety was the result of unrealistic expectations you developed after watching porn? Were you particularly anxious as this was probably the first time you were going to even see your partner’s banger? Did you try to deal with your anxiety by hoping that the penis was at least long and lovely instead of wrinkly and smelly? Do you remember feeling a little racist when you secretly hoped it was pretty and pink?

We’ve all been there and we are all suffering from varying degrees and types of prejudice and fear, most of which are just evidence of our own inner darkness and insecurities. This spoils the experience of oral sex by adding a quasi-political dimension to it. A blow job sets the tone for the resulting dynamic between the giver and the receiver. And that’s why every blow job is loaded with negotiation and manipulation. You don’t have to read Kate Millet to understand sexual politics and the role patriarchy plays in defining the power play between sexual partners. On the sexual chess board the penis is the most powerful piece. The power accorded to it rests in its ability to penetrate thus granting it a weapon like status. The penis that usually thrusts its way into a variety of orifices is pampered in a blow job.

(Artwork by Solo)

But in this game where one is the ‘giver’ and the other is the ‘recipient’, power often flows both ways. In a society where one is judged for both losing and retaining one’s virginity, the blow job offers a middle path to the ‘giver’. It is how some people choose to satisfy their partners sexually in a bid to avoid going all the way with vaginal or anal sex. Think of it in terms of food analogies. If your partner wants Mutton Dum Biryani and you are more interested in good old Khichdi… you reach a compromise and make Paneer Pulao!

Sometimes ‘giver’ hopes to gain greater control of the ‘recipient’ by making them dependent. But this power dynamic becomes interesting when both partners have penises. Not all couples have straightforward agreements on who will play what role in the relationship. This is because of two reasons. Firstly, patriarchy still has a role to play in the sexual politics of homosexual partners. Secondly, it is not necessary that only one of the partners is an alpha and the second always a docile beta. Two Alpha males can also be wildly attracted to each other and then work out a mutually acceptable arrangement with respect to relationship roles.

Sex is powerful, but perhaps that power is meant to be shared instead of being wielded to establish and retain control over a person’s agency over their body and sexuality. Perhaps it is time we realized our penises were organs and not tools or weapons. A penis doesn’t stand for an election. An erection is the result of attraction. We need to grant our penises and our sex lives the dignity they deserve by doing away with the politics. And remember, no one can force you to do anything. If you are not comfortable with oral sex, it is okay to say “No”.