Ask Freud : Dating Woes

Normally we judge individuals or have at least an opinion about them within the first 3 to 5 seconds but it seems that you give people a chance before making up your mind.

Hey doc!!

Hope you enjoying the lovely Summer

Ok. here’s the thing…

The other day I was reflecting at my dating history and found no pattern in my choice of partners. Yeah, except that they were all wrong choices, there are no similar traits between them. They were all different girls with different looks, cultures, background, temperament, interests. These girls have been as random as possible with respect to each other. Could randomness be a pattern?

I see many lesbians around me wanting a long term stable relationship, and yet everyone around me is breaking up!!! Are most of us only attracted to Ms Wrong?  Miss P

Hi there,

That is an interesting question. When you said if randomness could be a pattern I thought that sounded like an antithesis? I think, however anything could be a pattern and even not being one is some sort of a pattern.

I guess you connect with people because of their personality and not only what they look like, what interests them or where they come from. That is a very open way of approaching people. Normally we judge individuals or have at least an opinion about them within the first 3 to 5 seconds but it seems that you give people a chance before making up your mind. That is a very positive quality you have and I wish more people were like you. Especially in the gay/lesbian world it seems that everything is about how you look, dress and behave. We are constantly on show and we want/need to look our best at all times to give off a good impression as we know that this world is very judgemental.

However, more deeply it sounds like you feel defeated after a few failed relationships. Perhaps you are looking at yourself closely, examining yourself to see what has gone wrong and what can be changed to prevent going down the same route. Not only are you looking at yourself but also looking around you and your community where you don’t seem to see many positive outcomes either.

Why people are breaking up around you is a good question. They might be going through change as well; they are becoming different people who don’t want to be together any longer. I guess you see this particularly within lesbian relationships around you but perhaps this is the circle you socialise in and therefore it would stand out to you more. There are lots of other couples breaking up as well of course but I guess this is not so much in your awareness. The world is changing and some couples don’t want to/can’t put the effort in a relationship anymore, they want to just leave and change partners. Maybe you and me have old fashioned beliefs and are looking for one partner to marry for life. I am not saying that having a different view is wrong, each to their own I say. But don’t let that doubt you in your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings.

Friends of mine had been together for 3 years and everybody thought that they would have a civil partnership very soon. They live together, have a cat and they are supported by both sides of the families. Nothing was particularly wrong when they decided to split up, they just grew apart as lovers and were more best friends than anything. They are still close friends and still living together but now just in separate bedrooms.

Sometimes things are the way they are and don’t need or can’t be explained. Sometimes individuals can get too hooked on finding somebody or trying to rationalise things and it is not till they relax or stop looking that it will actually happen. You seem to be driven to try hard and explain yourself and the actions you have taken. This all seems well planned and orchestrated. Think about the need for being in control and where that resonates from, perhaps you can see a pattern there that might help you ‘relax’ or not having the need to scrutinise yourself this hard. I might be way off here but if I’m right it’s worth exploring and can hopefully give you an insight.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself a break. Think back positively about the relationships you have had, what you have learnt from them and how this has made you the person you are today. They might not have been the right choice (in hindsight), as you put it, but I’m sure that they felt right at the time. The fact that you are reflecting now focusses you on what you are looking for and what feels right.

Pink Freud.

You can e-mail your questions to p.freud@ymail.com ( or via Gaysi Contact Form) and he will respond to you via the Gaysi Family website.

About the author

Pink Freud

Pink Freud is a counselling psychotherapist in training. He currently sees therapy clients part time and manages a large team in a corporate environment when he is not 'in the therapist's chair'. Long term, he wants to specialise in working with LGBT individuals, couples and groups. As a gay man, who came out 10 years ago, he understands the unique struggles of the LGBT community and is here to help. You can e-mail your questions to p.freud@ymail.com and he will respond to you via the Gaysi Family website.