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Sometimes I wonder if most people engaged in the dating ritual know what they are doing. Of course, when all they have to show is a profile on an app, you have to take what they say at face value. If someone says they are looking for a relationship, you are expected to believe them at least until proven otherwise, right?

But what about when it has been proven otherwise again and again? Dating app fatigue is real, y’all! I can’t remember the number of times I have uninstalled and reinstalled different apps. It has felt, at times, that this entire process is just about setting myself up for disappointment. Add to it the fact that Match Group (which created Tinder and Hinge) was sued in February in the United States by six plaintiffs who claimed that the apps are designed to be addictive owing to their gamified user interface. This means that the apps promise that you will find someone by using them. However, they cannot possibly be delivered totally purposefully by an algorithm whose intention is to keep you on the app!

We don’t even need to read the official statement from these apps to know that they claim otherwise, because every single advertisement reminds us of that. There are cute couples on their posters, in Youtube videos, and even on the apps’ Instagram pages. And maybe it is that gap between what is promised and what you end up experiencing that causes the dating fatigue. I have seen a person go from being super interested on text to being stand-offish on dates. I have also seen someone who was super confident on their profile about looking for a relationship, but a few specific questions from me made them realise that this may not be the case. Which is okay and a part of being human, but it is not a neutral experience – it is a disappointing one. And to have this disappointing experience in interaction after interaction can be a lot. Especially when it comes with having to review profiles that are looking to hypersexualise and fetishize bi people and profiles that are biphobic from the get-go.

And then there is the ghosting and late replies and accidental swipes and…phew! You know you have become a dating app veteran when you keep coming across people that you had swiped on 5 un-installs ago. Sometimes you swipe on them again because, well, you were in a different space then and it might work for you now. Other times, you avoid them like the plague because that was a disaster and you do NOT want to go down that road again. While the latter is more of a ‘I never want to think about this’ scenario, the former can play out in different ways depending on whether one or both of you remember that you have met in this digital land of hopes before. It feels so random and unstructured in the logic of who you come across – it feels like none of us know what the algorithm gods are thinking. Yet, there are also lots of people giving advice online on how you can make these apps work for you. While some of this advice – like being honest, adding pictures, answering questions feels useful, most of it feels like people shooting in the dark for what they think might work.

However, sometimes, (after you have paid for the premium subscription), you end up meeting someone that makes you want to keep trying just a little longer. Not because the apps are genuinely brilliant, but because humans are and we can find connections anywhere where there is the possibility of us meeting. While I am sure the general advice given to us for success on dating apps plays a part in that happening, on the whole I feel like things happen when you have the bandwidth to be consistent and to not carry the baggage of the disappointments. Even then, it feels too random to make sense.

Maybe there is no logical path to navigating these apps other than being honest and hoping for the best. Maybe meeting on a dating app is just as random as having a meet-cute in a coffee shop. But we got to keep trying, right? We got to keep uploading witty answers to our profiles and flirting with the cute bookseller in the queer store, because when it works, it works. And at that point it will probably make sense and feel like it was worth it, because it is not like we are out having adventures along the way.