Article 1, Article 2, Article 3, Article 4, Article 5, Article 6, Article 7
I am big on intention-setting, and big on communication. This means that I do not go on dates just to ‘find out what happens’. I prefer that we talk about what we hope will happen, so that we are on the same page. The reason for this is simple – if you are looking for a ‘friends with benefits; situation and I am looking for a committed relationship, what is the point in wasting each other’s time? The same goes for friendships. I cannot do with the ‘let’s try to be friends first and then see where it goes’ setting, because that keeps me in the zone of ‘Is now when we can flirt? What did you mean when you said this thing? Are you into me or not?’ And why are we playing guessing games as two adults who met on the dating section of an app?!
But sometimes a girl DOES need friends. And let’s be honest, being an adult means that we are no longer in situations where we keep meeting new people in relatively sustainable settings like school or coaching classes (except for coworkers but that is VERY different). Enter the option on dating apps to put ‘looking for friendship’ or switching to ‘friendship mode’, which is honestly and truly god-sent. It allows people to set their intention clearly, while also giving them an opportunity to learn things about people from the get-go. There is space for people to write their political inclinations as well, so there is no way that the new person that you approach in class will turn out to be a bhakt (unless they are lying, which is a risk with everything online).
After I completed my course in London, many of my queer friends moved away – either back to their home countries or to another part of the UK. While I had access to the community through LGBTQ+ venues and events, I wanted more queer friends. Specifically, more brown queer friends who get it. I wasn’t sure how to go about this, until one day while swiping through Her I saw that another brown, queer woman had mentioned that she was looking for friends. I decided to swipe on her and see how the communication might be (I have been bitten by enough profiles who claim to be something and turn out to be something else to be weary), and I was so pleasantly surprised! She loved crafts and reading too and recommended the phenomenal book The Jasmine Throneto me. We had some trouble with scheduling an in-person meeting, so we decided to try a ‘craft and talk’ video call where she crocheted, I embroidered, and we spoke about everything under the sun!
At some point in my dating journey, I also decided to add the ‘looking for friends’ filter on my profile on dating apps. I’m happy to report that I have loved every second of scrolling through the profiles on this side of the app (which was a HUGE shift from what I find when I swipe through dating profiles.) People seemed to be willing to let more of their personality show in their answers, and were a lot more honest about exactly what kind of energy they had – ‘I want friends to go clubbing with’ vs ‘looking to build my queer tribe to have a movie night in’. I knew who I was looking for – craft-loving nerds like me who would be up for a drink but look for depth in friendships. Of course, this is very specific, but hey, a girl can hope. I found another friend who I ended up inviting along with my bestie to a drag show after meeting up for preliminary drinks. She was in a long-term relationship and was looking for solo friends because she felt that she and her partner did everything together. We also eventually went to drag bingo and won shots for our dancing skills – it was so fun, and all because I put myself out there.
It was during this time that I experienced a weird disappointment. I had swiped right on someone on the dating section of an app and was ready to get my flirt on with her. Our first conversation was going well – we had a lot in common, but as soon as I said something flirty she told me, “I’m just looking for a friendship.” I immediately stopped. After a second passed I asked her, “okay but I’m just a bit confused – why didn’t you make a profile on the BFF part of the app?” She replied, “oh, I tried but there aren’t a lot of queer people there.” I digested this, and then asked again, “Then why didn’t you mention on this profile that you are looking for friendship?” She had no response for that. What was unsaid stood between us silently – she had obviously chosen to omit that in the hope of getting more swipes. The unfortunate thing is that she had seemed cool enough and if she had mentioned ANYWHERE that she was looking for friendship, I would have actually swiped right on her anyway. But actual friendship cannot begin with deception. This is undoubtedly the WRONG way to try to make friends with me on a dating app. So that conversation ended there.
But the conversations with people who were more honest about their intentions, whom I found on these apps continued. Of course it is vulnerable to be looking for friends – one could even argue that to some people it can feel more vulnerable than looking for a potential partner. But it is definitely worth it – because whether we are single or with someone, we need our friends around us. We are not islands, and life is so much better with community.
