I’m Bunny Bumshaker’s bum and one of the reasons behind Bunny’s name and fame. But I didn’t always love Bunny. This because moments after Bunny was born, the doctor whacked me hard! This was not the reception I was expecting. While I was still recovering from the shock poor Bunny started wailing. It took some getting used to but gradually I gathered quite a fan following. Bunny’s mommy, the doctors and nurses all loved me. While Bunny was a cranky little blob of flesh, I was something else. I was pretty, pink, soft and even dimpled! Everyone who looked at me couldn’t take their eyes off of me. Even when Bunny went all poopy, a pair of hands would gently wipe away the doo doo with mildly scented fresh baby wipes. Even massage times were fun when I got slathered on with baby oil.
Bunny turned out to be a very naughty child and was often found thrown across momma Bunny’s knees getting spanked. Needless to say things never ended well for me. Every time Bunny got spanked, I paid the price! Bunny pulled the dog’s tail, I got whacked. Bunny broke the flower vase, I got whacked. Bunny killed and ate a bug, I got whacked. Sometimes it would be a rolled newspaper, other times a cane or a wooden ruler.
I spent most of Bunny’s childhood turning quite red and even a little sore from the frequent whacks I received. But it all changed when Bunny went to school, learnt how to read and write and discovered books. I spent a few hours every day, parked comfortably in a chair as Bunny settled discovered Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn and the Hardy Boys. These were the golden years of my life and it all came to a rather abrupt end when Bunny hit puberty.
(Artwork By Siddhi Surte)
I lost my innocent pinkness and softness. Sometimes Bunny would be nervous about exams and gobble French fries every day. After catching a glimpse of me in the mirror, Bunny would throw a fit and start running extra because nobody likes being called a fat ass. Bunny’s weight started yo-yoing and I was covered in ugly stretch marks. I was now as weird and awkward as Bunny who was now also forced to wear braces that killed any chances of attracting bae’s attention. This made Bunny do things that put my life in danger. Once, Bunny rode a horse to impress bae. But the horse threw Bunny off and I cushioned that fall. Another time Bunny climbed a tree to get a better look at bae, but slipped and fell from the top branch. I played the supporting role so many times that I deserve my own damn Oscar!
After Bunny turned eighteen, I got to experience a completely different kind of action. There were adventures in the back seats of cars, in tents while camping and sometimes even on the grass under the blue sky. It feels so good to get some Sun in a place where the Sun don’t shine. Except when you are on a beach and sand gets into all your crevices and cracks.
And then there were lotions and lubricants. It reminded me of baby oil massages, except this always led to way more exciting stuff. Bunny also discovered toys that I had never seen as a baby bum. I even made a silly little song about them:
Strings, straps, plugs and whips,
Always make for happy hips
In the bath tub or under the sky,
When it’s play time baby… hips don’t lie
But public transport was and is still, quite a nightmare. Penises get erect all around me and often even try to poke me on buses and trains. Sometimes hands grab me to check my firmness, just like you do when purchasing tomatoes. Other times I get cupped, as if the holder is terrified that I’d spill. Often hands just casually brush past me. But it never ends well for them. Bunny has a bad temper and a mean left hook. A few years ago Bunny started blogging about us bums, our rights and our plight. When bums say ‘no’, bums mean ‘no’.
As an act of gratitude I have mastered the ‘thumka’ because Bunny loves swinging to item numbers. I also endure Bunny’s grueling workout because if you want to kick some ass, you need to have some dum in your own bum. Actually, I don’t like being called an ass. I mean I’m not a donkey. But then vaginas aren’t cats either. Anyway, Bunny Bumshaker sounds way more fun than Bunny Ass Kicker, don’t you think?
