I always had a complicated relationship with my body. The weight scale has been a cruel indicator of how my fluctuating weight has made me an emotional wreck. There were times when the number on the scale defined my self-worth, and I would end up in a miserable state.

I was an obese child, all the people around me would make fun of my weight, and very rarely would a person show mercy on me. Whenever there were family events, most of the clan would make fun of my weight, worse than that I have seen how the female members who were plus size were treated much more horribly than I was treated, not just equally by male and female members of the family but by their mother and father. I was not just obese but a little bit feminine, this would make the bullying much worse. Even at school, I was called so many names by my classmates, this turned my whole school experience into a nightmare. I didn’t have any fond memories of my school, even the teachers were ignorantly horrible. I always got physically and mentally bullied in my school life. This started my lifelong journey of dealing with body dysmorphia.

After completing my schooling, I started my higher education journey. I have to say college was much better than school. There was no body shaming and no bullying, but school bullying had a profound effect on my mental health. I started eating less in my college days and walked miles to reduce my weight. By the second half of my college life, I went from obese kid to skinny kid. My skinny frame made people ask me how I lost so much weight. I told them stress and no eating helps a lot. They thought I was joking but that was the way I lost all that weight. Being skinny helped a lot, I was more active and started eating the right food.

But my body weight fluctuates a lot. Sometimes I would lose weight and sometimes I would have drastic weight gain. I still have a love-hate relationship with how my body looks. Sometimes I love my curves and sometimes I hate them. Taking pictures was another issue as I was highly self-critical of my appearance. I would always point out that something in the picture was looking bad when others told me I looked handsome in the picture. I would take hours before deciding to post the picture or not.

Dating also has been another battle for me, there have been so many dating apps, where I would put only one photo of myself because I would not like any pictures of mine or would overthink before I select the only picture I would look better than other pictures. Dating in the gay community is another issue I had to face because of my fluctuating weight. I have been rejected because of my skinny frame and I have also been rejected because of weight gain. There have been times when my curves have attracted someone, but shedding my clothes made me hesitate. Shedding my clothes in front of a person you are attracted to was nerve-wracking, but they were very patient with me. That made me feel that my body is attractive and desirable. That got me confident enough to post more pictures on my social media feed.

Whenever I used to sleep with someone, I would be uncomfortable getting undressed. I would mention that I would like to keep my t-shirt on during the act, they were perplexed by this. But I was in that mindset that I would not let anyone see me naked so I would tell them that I would like to keep some piece of cloth and tell them that it’s my kink rather than tell them the truth that I want to hide the upper part of my body. Now I am older and now I am very much comfortable with my skin. I don’t mind getting completely naked with strangers. I have to say when you get older you get more confident with everything.

Taking care of my physical and mental health has become a priority for me now. A regular workout routine has not only helped me get fitter but has also boosted my confidence. Exercise has become my therapy, a way to escape the noise and focus on myself. It’s about feeling strong and capable, rather than just chasing a number on the scale.

I’m still on this journey of self-love and acceptance. Yes, I am older than before but I am still learning and growing as It’s an ongoing process, but every day, I’m getting closer to embracing the incredible person I am, regardless of my size. Self-compassion has been my greatest ally. It’s okay to have bad days. What matters is getting back up, dusting yourself off, and continuing the journey.

To anyone reading this, remember, your body is amazing. It carries you through life, allowing you to experience joy, love, and growth. It deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Let’s redefine beauty as something that comes from within, not from a number on a scale.