On How Love Set Me Free To Be Who I Am

The confidence of having strong friendships was felt elsewhere too, as I started putting myself out there in terms of romance. I’d been using dating apps for a while but not getting anywhere. It’s odd for sure, being trans, being on the asexuality spectrum, and just generally wanting to know people more before going out with them. I did manage to ask out one of my friends (she’s straight), and admit to another friend that I had a crush on her (she’s straight). I got past the anxiety, and it didn’t do anything bad; I’m still friends with both of them.

One day my therapist pushed me to actually take initiative, talk to more people on dating apps, ask someone out. I did just that with a girl I’d recently been talking to a lot. She was cute, she seemed nice. I didn’t think it would go anywhere. This was just me trying to learn how to date, how to approach love from that angle of starting to just date some people. We went on three dates in the span of two weeks, by which time we were in a relationship, one that we’re still in a year later. This relationship has helped me understand at least three more facets of love that I hadn’t heavily experienced before.

The first is sexual love. I’d only realised I was demisexual when I experienced a bit of sexual attraction to my previous girlfriend. Here, it was much more than just a bit. I find her so attractive, and I find myself actually wanting to engage with her sexually so often. I enjoy sex with her, and I just couldn’t imagine myself being in this position even two years ago. The comfort with my body, the raging hormones of my second puberty, and just having someone around whom I love so deeply, all of them have led to me finally understanding how people find love in sex and sexuality.

The second was long-term domestic love. Over the few months we managed to not be long-distance, I got to experience what it’s like to sleep next to someone I love so deeply, cook with them, clean with them, work side by side, and just exist in the same space. With the understanding of it I’ve also come to desire it so much. I love her so very deeply that I want to be able to live with her and do all these things. When I imagine a life together in the future it’s no longer just infatuated dreaming, but me knowing I want these things, and actively wanting to plan around life to make it possible for us to have that, together.

Ironically enough, the last facet is polyamory. I was already thinking about it when I asked my current girlfriend out. I was reading up, listening to podcasts, the whole 9 yards. I just have so much love to give, and there’s so many wonderful, beautiful people out there to love, why wouldn’t I want to keep my heart open for them all? The exact thing that ended my first relationship was suddenly my reality, and by the time I started my current relationship I was certain that I was polyamorous. More recently, we made our relationship non-monogamous, and now I get to experience the amazing love I have for my primary girlfriend while also exploring the ability to love other people!

So, that’s where I am at today. I love my girlfriend deeply, and want to have a life together with her. I love so many people deeply, both romantically and platonically. I’m going on dates soon, and my social circles keep expanding as I meet such wonderful people, some of whom have become close friends over time. Most importantly, I love myself and my body, so truly and wholeheartedly when I do, and that’s something I’ve never had before. There’s a reason I’m a huge fan of love, and my own sense of love has evolved over the past few years to make me really understand and cherish it. I might even say I love it!

About the author

Asis

Asis is a trans woman and lesbian currently living in Delhi. She loves animals, writing, board games, and all sorts of media, especially if it's queer.