I was the new boy in school, having joined in the ninth grade. My parents were divorced and I lived with my mother. Because of the transferable nature of my mother’s job, I had already been to four schools in as many cities before landing up in Bangalore at this particular school.

I had long learnt to keep my feelings to myself. I am unsure whether I was born introverted or life made me that way. But the knowledge that any friends I made would soon be taken away from me, since transfers were frequent, made me reluctant to make the effort to make new ones.

But these same varied experiences in different schools had also made me, or so I have always believed, a good judge of human character. I could tell instinctively if a person was worthy of my trust or not. I no longer had the emotional energy to make a lot of friends, rather I concentrated on making the one or two friends that I could rely on.

So, when I entered this new school as a ninth grader, I laid low and observed my environment for a few days through my bespectacled eyes. This particular school was located on the outskirts of the city and did not have many students. It was struggling to do well to hold onto the few students it did have. The management had money and infrastructure so the classes were large and airy, the sports ground big, the school fee high and the students spoiled and entitled. The teachers dared not discipline anyone as any complaints from the parents and their wards was taken very seriously and the Principal was obsessed with getting referrals for new admissions and with making sure that not even the most delinquent child left the school.

Of all the schools that I had been to till now, this school gave the most opportunities for students to engage in creative, academic and sporty extracurricular activities. In fact, I noticed that a group of three or four students, who held various prefectorial positions, made most of the decisions when it came to planning events and competitions. The Principal mostly just went along with their plans, behaving like nothing more than a rubber stamp. 

It didn’t take me long to notice the Head Boy, Ravi, who was particularly active in all the extracurricular affairs that went on. He spoke well, was academically brilliant, and was constantly surrounded by at least two or three girls who followed him wherever he went. He had the reputation of being loud, confident and a natural leader who expected others to fall in line with whatever he wanted or decided.

Students and teachers spoke in whispers of their dislike over Ravi’s sense of entitlement. And yet, I felt, that they were afraid of him. Being new, I did not entirely understand why that should be so. He came across as very charming and well-spoken, especially to the Principal and the senior teachers. Yet, I had overheard him talk about them in the most degrading terms with his close group of sycophantic followers.

Despite my instinct telling me that Ravi was a person not to be messed with, despite the feeling of dread that came over me whenever I was near him, I could not help but develop a crush on him. He was tall, good-looking and intelligent. For me, these qualities held a strong attraction. Yet, I was also put off by his aggressive desire to be obeyed, to lead, to be the centre of all things and his absolute disrespect towards the teachers and students that he did not think were good enough to be in his circle.

At that age, I was still confused about my sexuality. I had had crushes on girls and some girls had reciprocated as well. But I was also aware of being attracted to boys. Ravi, however, was my first real boy crush.

We had various hobby clubs and he and I happened to be in the debating club. That is where I first got to interact with him. He, as usual, was very overbearing and loved to take over the debate. He expected others to listen to him but did not reciprocate the same courtesy. Such was his ability to hold the room, though, that he got away with dominating the discussions. I disliked this and we would often get into verbal duels.

It was during one such duel that something shifted between us. He made a point in his usual aggressive way. I would have loved to counter but I recognised the validity of it. I looked him in the eye and stated my acceptance and looked down and away. But I felt him continue to stare in an intense way. By the end of the class, as we were leaving, he walked up to me, bent down, (me being a head shorter than him), and almost in passing, whispered clearly in my ear, “I write love poems. Would you like to see them?” He did not wait for my reply and walked on.

A few days later, he came to me during the lunch break, with his English notebook. He asked me to have a look at his writings. We sat together and poured over his poems. I was good in English and gave him my honest feedback. The poems were actually not bad, and I was impressed. We exchanged numbers as he wanted to send me more of his work.

Thus, it all began, He sent me his work, I read it and gave my feedback. The poems had started off subtle, but later the references to a boy being the subject became more obvious. And then he started to sneak in innuendos into our conversations. In school, when we sat together to read, he would place his hands on me, or run his fingers across my thighs, or bend down to retrieve a pencil and caress my feet. It was all very suggestive and all too fast.

I had observed the way he behaved with those he thought were below him, teachers and students. And being a person who doesn’t open up immediately, my guards were always up when it came to Ravi. I was attracted to him, but I knew he wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be with. With Ravi, it was all utilitarian. Another human being held value for him only till his own needs were being served. So, when he tried to be more overtly flirtatious, I decided I needed to be honest and draw the line. I told him quite frankly that I was not interested. And that’s when things took a nasty turn.

Ravi slandered me. He spread rumours that implied I was gay and obsessed with him. His close-knit followers, like mindless sheep, blindly did his bidding, adding fuel to the rumours he started. I was teased and bullied. I grit my teeth and bore it all for I knew there was no escape till the grade 10 boards. Somehow, I made it thorough and as soon as the boards finished I left the school. The sense of relief, of sheer freedom, on my last day was almost euphoric.

When I look back now at that experience, I am actually grateful to have gone through it. It made me realize the stark difference between real love and infatuation. It makes me proud to think that even at that young age I knew not to slavishly give my heart away to someone just because of their external charm or beauty. I valued internal goodness over shallow attraction. It cost me dear for a time, but I learnt a lot about myself and came out stronger. I learnt, most of all, that reputation is easily manufactured or destroyed. But, if one’s conscience is clear, one can swim through the muddiest river of slander and come out clean.