“You know, I am afraid of commitments. Can’t we be friends, like we are now?”.
After 4 years of knowing each other, continuous chatting, endless video calls, and spending a great 5 days together when he visited me in Mumbai, I felt the connection. I feel that there’s something strong between us. He has also said, on numerous occasions, that he loves spending time with me. I make him laugh. I listen to him. He sees us going far. However, when these words came out of his mouth, I was left appalled. All those years of conversation flash right before my eyes. I, however, betray nothing. I keep myself composed, smile and change the topic.
For the next few days, I spend my time recollecting what he had said and when I had made the mistake of falling for him. I went back in time just to find a flaw – one reason, conversation, sign or something that would be enough for me to reverse all my feelings for him. I found nothing that would move it, not even by an inch. I am now very aware that I am absolutely doomed.
I have never been in a relationship. I have fallen for only two guys in my entire life. One was a straight school mate who broke off our friendship when I expressed my feelings for him in college. The second is this guy with the commitment phobia. For the initial few weeks, I tried to process the information, looked for ways to hate him, and thought of just maintaining distance in the hope that ‘out of sight, out of mind’ would actually work its magic. But, nothing happened.
The distance accelerated my craving for him. The more I tried to ignore him, the more I was thinking of him. I even blocked him on Whatsapp and unfollowed him on Instagram. Nothing worked. Every night, lying in bed, I would think of him. I would think of when he visited me in Mumbai, how we enjoyed ourselves at Imagica and Elephanta Caves. The time we spent New Year’s Eve at Marine Drive. The time he prepared lunch with me. The time he grabbed me from behind whilst I was preparing breakfast.
These small gestures are hard to forget. Even now, when I’m writing, I’m crying from within, remembering all these beautiful memories. Upon my request, he did try to move beyond friendship with me, but then said it was too much for him. The moment he thinks he’s dating me, he gets nervous, preoccupies himself with unnecessary thoughts and stresses out. Those few days where I believed we were actually dating were the best days of my life. Sadly, they didn’t last and we’re back to square one.
“I don’t want you to wait for me. I don’t think I will ever be in any relationship. You should move on.”
I have spent my days and nights just thinking, trying to decode what about commitment scares him so. Is it the responsibility one has when they’re in a relationship? Or is it a bad relationship he’s had? Or is it his parents’ own unsuccessful relationship? What could the reason be? I told him I wasn’t like the others who demanded long conversations every day. I wasn’t one of those who would stop him from meeting his friends. I wasn’t one of those who would disturb him when he’s stuck with official work. I wasn’t one of those who would ask him to dedicate time from his daily routine. All I wanted was an assurance that we were actually together.
All my attempts to convince him, to understand his reason for commitment-phobia, and to get us to move ahead of ‘just’ friends have failed. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re another Rachel and Ross. Ross always loved Rachel, since high school, but always chickened out when it came to expressing his feelings. When he was leaving for China, Chandler spilled the beans and Rachel ran to talk to him. Upon his return, when Rachel saw Ross with Julie, she realised her deepest feelings for him and eventually they got together.
I sincerely hope that something like this happens to me as well. It was easy for him to say that I should move on and find someone else, but it’s extremely difficult. It’s painful to think of someone else, to even talk to someone else. I’m trying, though. I’m trying to initiate conversations with others, with the hope that I will be over him someday. Maybe, when he sees me with someone else, with my attention turned towards that other person, he may realise that I’m more than a friend to him.
George Clooney is my hope. There was a time when he hated being in a relationship. He, who once was afraid of commitments, is happily married now. Surprisingly, these are all small fears, ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. My biggest fear is that he falls for someone else and gets into a relationship with them. What if it’s all just because I’m not attractive enough for him, and that’s solely why he considers me a good friend?
These questions regularly eat me up from within. I feel the pain in love, of love. Of knowing whether you’re in or out. I’m trying to move on, but a huge part of me truly hopes that my Rachel realises I’m his lobster.