“I am about to cum,
Yeah I wanna cum.
Don’t dare to stop me,
Wanna cum in my own way,
Don’t have to replicate anyone.”
The complex, yet powerful narratives around sex, pleasure and orgasm in a woman’s life have been shaped by societal norms, historical conditioning and biological discourses. These narratives tend to transform into different narratives over time.. When it comes to women sharing their narratives, some spaces are open, allowing women to express themselves and embrace the idea of desire. In other spaces, the very expression of women’s desires comes into scrutiny, as though it were transgression. And then there are spaces that only allow expression in singular, often limiting ways forcing the body into predefined notions of expression and trying to narrow down bodily experiences into a single story framework.
It is an odd thing, how bodily pleasure, an extremely personal and unique human experience, often has been dictated by forces that lie outside of us. Why should women experience sex and pleasure in a certain way, defined by socio-cultural and biological norms? Why are there rigid expectations that their bodily experiences must adhere to these specific scripts, lest their experiences be seen as ‘not normal’, ‘invalid’ or outside the boundaries of ‘acceptable’ womanhood? This sentiment has been echoed by multiple generations of women.
I still remember the conversations I’ve had with women of different ages, each with their own unique perspectives around sex, pleasure and orgasm, yet most of them shared a common desire for something different from the routine, something deeper when it came to sexual desires and pleasure. Most of them spoke with a quiet, almost resigned vulnerability about their experiences, and how often those experiences fell short of what they truly wished for.
One of the conversations was with a woman in her thirties, who had been married for almost fifteen years. Her facial expressions and voice twitched slightly as she started talking about how her sexual needs had always taken a backseat to her husband’s. “I’ve spent so many years accepting that everything was fine. I put his needs before mine, in the same manner the elderly women in my life had conditioned me to do,” she said. “But the truth is, I’ve never really felt seen or heard. I’ve been so busy making sure that everyone else is happy that I have forgotten about myself. And now, after accepting the norm, I’m not even sure how to ask for what I desire”. It felt like a luxury to her. She and her husband still shared the same bed, but intimacy had become more of a routine than a connection, a passing gesture rather than an exchange of bodily pleasure.
Another woman in her fifties, a mother of two daughters, who had been through the complexities of marriage, widowhood, and then remarriage, shared her experience of becoming a widow within two years of her first marriage. It was indeed a tough time for her, but not just emotionally but bodily too where everyone was showing pity on her to be a lifetime burden on her natal family and the fear around her sexuality, no one ever stopped to consider and understand her desires and bodily needs. However, she got that spark back in her life after getting married a second time. As she described, “I got the sense of freedom again in my private life… like I could explore and experience pleasure once again without thinking about it too much”. But over time, it’s almost like it’s all about her husband. She said, “I no longer feel like I can ask for what I need, I’ve lost that spark once again even after being in a marital partnership.” She expressed this painfully, as if the years of suppressing her own desires had become a weight too heavy to bear. Her current relationship, though built on love, often felt like it was missing the depth and connection she craved for.
These stories were layered with yearning, frustration, unfulfilled expectations and undiscovered desires. The emotional rollercoaster of being a woman in their personal spaces intrigued me. The personal is political, a phrase popularized by a 1969 essay by Carol Hanisch, became more relevant than ever—how socio-cultural norms, media portrayals, and even biological discourse, all commanded by patriarchy, have been continuously shaping the essence of one’s bodily identity .
That said, women’s desires also matter. For long, they have been crushed under the weight of patriarchy and social fears. Today, while women are emerging as active participants of social and political spaces, it is high time that they also reclaim their stake in private spaces. Women’s desires must not be criminalized anymore.
