Part 2 of 3 of How motherhood brought out the queerness in me
There are many layers to this. Once you’re a mum, time becomes your enemy; even something as simple as putting together a decent outfit becomes a chore (not like I was some fashion icon before, but still!). Doing anything else apart from baby things feels impossible. Even just getting work over the line becomes unthinkable. But let me back up a bit (cue some flashback music)… I need to ramble for a bit before I get to the actual point, so bear with me for a minute (okay, a few minutes tops!).
When I was a hopeful pregnant lady imagining a utopic postpartum life, I told myself not to get lost in motherhood and to not make my PhD and being a mother my only personality traits, and to balance all my roles even after the baby was born, and so on and so forth! And now, surprise, surprise! My whole life is totally and irrevocably consumed by motherhood and my PhD! I mean, clearly, pregnant me made some very big demands without really understanding what life had in store for me—oops!
Don’t get me wrong, being a mother is absolutely the most wonderful experience and the best role I have held so far. I am trying to take physical and mental images of every precious moment of this experience. And during these early formative years of my little bundle of joy—who is growing up at the speed of light (brb crying)—I welcome being all consumed by this role so that I am as present as possible as a full-time working parent.
That brings me to the other major part of pregnant me’s desire: not letting my PhD become my whole personality. Long story short: my previous job was at a toxic workplace with a toxic boss, and I was also doing my PhD at the same time. And although my PhD was helping my career trajectory, juggling it with this toxic situation meant barely being able to survive each day because my mental health was hanging by a thread. After suffering for years, I exited this toxic work situation (YAY!), financial consequences be damned (broke, but happy!). And now, I am a full-time WFH PhD-doing mum. The weight and significance of this decision was profound. How much that place affected my mental peace and how much I needed the distance from that situation weighed me down before it lifted me up! Once I was able to process that situation, the way my mental health has bounced back is amazing! I’m not going to lie, this season of my life has its own challenges, but it has also meant more time with my baby, and doing my PhD on my own terms, which makes me very happy and gives me so much more freedom! But the outcome of this? I am ALWAYS at home with my work and my baby. So, the work-baby all-consuming vortex has swallowed me whole!
Why does this long-winding backstory matter? Basically, even with my life being this way, although it seems impossible, I still don’t want this to be my whole identity, and I am working every day to figure out what that means for me in the many roles I play in this game of life. My sexuality and queerness have been something that I have been consciously thinking about since I had my baby.
My bi-queer, possibly-non-binary, possibly-want-to-change-my-pronouns journey, which is evolving every day (as you can see with all the hyphens) is deeply linked with me being a mum, and that is something I realised one day when I looked at myself in the mirror and saw someone who I didn’t recognise. It was not even in the physical sense but beyond that. Once my baby was born, one thing was certain. I had to start fresh. I was broken down to nothing in every aspect of my being. As I am picking up the pieces and putting myself back together, I am finding parts of me that just don’t fit anymore… gaps that look like they always existed, which I seem to have filled with shame, societal expectations, and heteronormativity.
After an initial moment of panic and asking myself questions like “Oh god, what am I going to do? Am I queer enough now that I am a mum? Do I even know who or what I am now?” etc., I calmed down and got down to brass tacks. Just as my baby was learning how to be human from scratch, I resorted to baby steps too! What is the easiest thing I can do that takes the least amount of energy? Clothes! I started using the clothes I wore as a way to gauge how masc or femme or how queer I felt on a particular day, just to gauge if I was feeling “myself” to the best of my ability within the limitations of my existing closet (my postpartum body was not fitting into most things!). And that has been quite significant to say the least. One happy, unexpected side effect was that over time and after lots of experimentation, I have truly upped my saree blouse game—I don’t think I will ever not style my sarees with crop tops, shirts, and other exciting non-conventional options! The day I wore a shirt front side back for a saree, I felt a different kind of happiness! The comfort and the unconventionality of it just made it click! Each day I look in the mirror and pick out something that suits my “being” that day. Such a seemingly simple step in my regular day-to-day life, but one that allows me to feel comfortable in my own skin. Of course, there are many days when I just slap on the first thing I can find and just about get through my day… But every other day where I am intentional with how I dress myself that makes up for it in all the best ways!
Of course, with that, and my ever-ongoing experiments with queering up my hair, I am slowly on my way to finding my queerest outward expression, which has been a source of a lot of inner joy and satisfaction (for that’s all I honestly have the time for in my life right now). Embracing my queerness and my gender expression in subtle ways and as a fluid, ever-changing phenomenon has given me so much excitement on a daily basis that I am just enjoying the process.
In the end, I have also come to solve the mystery of why I hated shopping. I always thought that my ever-changing body, as I put on or lost weight, was always the problem and changing rooms made me feel miserable. I suppose that was definitely one reason. But a life-changing discovery happened when I shopped for some outfits before my birthday, and did something I have always wanted to do but never did before… I picked up a couple of shirts from the men’s section! A moment that felt both exhilarating and oddly terrifying. Standing in front of the mirror afterwards, I felt a rush of warmth and recognition, like I was finally giving myself permission to explore something that had been quietly calling out to me for years. It felt freeing in ways I didn’t expect. I am finding ways to explore the spectrum of gender expression. It’s all very subtle, but it’s so freeing and joyful.
I am constantly introspecting about my experiences and the emotions that come with them and I am always in awe when I see how the smallest choices make such a big impact on my mental wellbeing. My latest line of inquiry… Am I starting to explore being non-binary? Perhaps! So what I will do is that I will keep exploring in tiny ways, because at every step I am stumbling into these simple yet powerful discoveries, each one a step closer to feeling more like myself. My journey thus has been an internal one and very subtle, and only my husband and a few of my close friends are privy to this part of myself, but it is all very significant, nonetheless.
My expedition of motherhood has become not only about learning to be a mother and a co-parent but has also become a journey that is deeply personal—one that has shaped how I move through each day. Whether it’s the clothes I choose, yet another haircut, or the moments of reflection this ride continues to guide me toward authenticity, to my queerest self. Another reason this matters so much? I have the world’s most curious, observant little toddler, absorbing everything like the cutest sponge. And I want him to see his mum embracing change, seeking comfort from the inside out, and finding herself in new ways. My hope is that by witnessing my journey toward authenticity, he will always feel safe and empowered to explore and embrace his own—whatever that may mean for him.
As I am finally starting to feel at home in my own skin (most of the time—it is a work in progress!), and as the layers of what doesn’t serve me are slowly shedding, I look forward to whatever I will encounter along the way. What’s next for me in this journey? Is it time to make this a more open declaration of who I am? Only time will tell…
