Hmmm… Now that I have told you the beginning, I don’t want to tell you the middle, sorry reader. Our moments together are just too sacred to me. Though there is one thing sitting on my chest because of which I haven’t left my room in three days. So I’ll tell you about the trigger that caused an avalanche.
5 months had passed by, we got to know each other and ourselves better. I know I sure did. We did so many cool things. He became a part of my everyday life in little, but significant ways. I’m not someone who scrolls reels much, but he loves sending me reels. Hilarious reels! Funny boy, he is!
And then there would be the ones that he wouldn’t send me, as I believe he didn’t want to spam me, but now that Instagram let’s you see who has liked a reel, I enjoyed seeing his likes on the most random ass reels ever! OG cutie pie he is! He would also like some really emotional reels as well, and it was sad to realise that he related to them for I don’t want the boy who sparkles to relate to that kind of pain, I wanted to take it all away, so unrealistic and dismissive of me, for where would we be without pain after all? Hmmm… turns out, I only ended up giving him more of it with my intention of eliminating it.
Anyhoo, back to what I was saying… Reels, yes! So even I started liking more reels hoping he would see my likes on them and I have saved soooo many of them that I never got around sending to him. Hahaa!!! What silly digital behaviour!
I find it scary though, how pivotal all these apps have become in any of our relationships and can mend or break things. If only I lived in the Emily Dickinson era, I would be writing letters to him instead of texting and expecting quick replies and ruining things.
We had our own ups and downs, of course. As any kind of relationship does. I tried to push him away at a certain point and told him that I’ll take some space. This was when I realized that it was high time to be honest and tell him that I want more than just friendship. Because let’s be honest, dosti ke liye I have the entire world, I want that one person. That’s where I was at that point. He responded by saying that he’d kiss me, but that I had feelings for him. Heavy sigh. That’s what I couldn’t make him understand, or understand myself back then, that we are just two young boys, who care and show up for each other in special ways, I know I was smitten by him and I want to treat him like he was loved right with respect and care and not just lusted over. Don’t want to be with or like these random ass strangers as it takes a lot more than it gives. I have waited decades for my first proper kiss and I want it with someone I cared about and felt loved by, but the important thing is also what he wanted. I want to be held, seen and understood. I wanted him to know my body like it’s his and for me to know his like it’s mine and still be ourselves! Those are not the kind of feelings he is thinking of when I say feelings. That’s not what he is hearing when I say more than friends. I know he doesn’t want to date, neither do I, but if it happens great, and if it doesn’t, that’s fine; who is to say anything about these matters of the heart? But at least I have him, Sparkling before me. Which is not me settling down for less, it’s me accepting and cherishing what we have. It shouldn’t even be about will we or won’t we, but about me making sure I stay, care, love and show up for him everyday. For the boy who sparkles is so easy to love and care for.
For it is so hard to find such a delicate, yet sturdy and compatible relationship especially in the queer space, that feels like a mirror. You see him, beyond his eyes, his light, his darkness, pieces of you that you lost in time within him and I didn’t want to let go of that.
He felt like someone I wish I had grown up with. What would it be like to know him in high school? Gosh! We would claw each other’s brains out. Oh! Lol! It would have been crazy to know his younger self. Actually I’m glad he met this version of me, because yeah… no, we are not going there. I guess people do come in our lives when they are supposed to and I’m so glad he did when he did.
He was so bummed because of course, he was going to miss me and was very respectful and okay to give me space and said he just wants a friendship.
I was bummed too to think haw! I’m not gonna see him for a while now. Wait! What rubbish! Why is it like this!!! That did not last long though. Actually it didn’t even last a day, because that was just not me. I realised that that’s just something I have seen people around me do when they have been in the same situation, but I’m me and the boy who sparkles deserves the real me. Distance doesn’t work for me, it only makes me indifferent and I don’t want that. I treasure him way too much for that.
And when you like someone in whatever capacity, you don’t push them away just because they are not on the same page or don’t reciprocate. Nah! It shouldn’t be that conveniently transactional. If it’s really real to you, then stay. Accept and continue. Understand how to navigate and regulate things. That’s how it is for me, and you, the reader, can disagree and call me naive and a fool. But I feel in the name of protecting ourselves people don’t dare to put themselves out there, be vulnerable, and find the right person who will care. And I wouldn’t choose any other way. Look at all the people close to you today, they all had to crack open that shell of yours to come closer. They all stepped through and breached your walls; it’s an uncomfortable feeling, I know, and then it’s upto you to decide, who is worth it.
Anyhoo, in doing so, I didn’t understand the rollercoaster I must have put him through, the tickets to which he didn’t even buy. One day I’m asking for space and he is grieving our friendship and the next I’m like I don’t want distance and space from you.
I never thought of it until now. Like he too is a human being. The boy who sparkles was understanding, yet rightfully weary and dodged me for a couple of weeks as he wanted to give me some time still.
And for me it’s like, if you give me too much time and space, especially when I don’t want it, it creates a rift. I grieve your absence. I mourn it and I start living a life without you and then… No! That’s not what I want to see happen with him. So I messaged the boy who sparkles to sparkle away and to start hanging out again and not worry about me and “my feelings” because I understand his importance and how happy we make each other feel. And this life is precious! Youth is priceless. I don’t want to waste it not being around someone whose company I enjoy, who lights me up, and not say things that I feel when I feel them.
And so, a week later there we were, hanging out again, watching movies, planning together, painting together (he is such a wonderful artist, btw), shopping at hill road, feeling the wind at Marine drive, holding hands in the local train, talking for hours, me texting him “reached?” at the exact moment he would reach his house, which happened multiple times by the way. I was in sync with him. He would remark how soft my hands are as I caressed his thigh, he packed me a tiffin once! Best tiffin ever with such beautifully decorated brinjals by the way! Goodnight kisses, sharing memories with each other, he knows all I eat is pulav, he loves my avocado sandwiches, flying kisses at the airport, I was sitting on his bed feeling his heartbeat, he was lifting me up on his arms in my tiny living room, such a cutie gym boy! I’m talking to his mom on the call, she’s invited me home, no one’s mom has ever invited me anywhere. My flowers were finally breathing in his living room. We were glorious, laughing every time, getting to know each other better. I realised I have been so silly wanting more earlier. This was more than enough. This was everything! How wonderful to feel intimately close and happy with a person! Hurray!
We are back baby! I’m glittering with the boy who sparkles without any glitter on me! Wohooo!!! Life is good! Its beautiful!!!
But as happy times prevailed, I could hear Sadness whispering quietly from its corner, “remember me?”
Fears and Insecurities were yelling, “we’ll meet again.”
And we did. I remembered Sadness. Uff! This queen! Doesn’t leave me alone only. Even on happiest of times, she’s like, “wait until this is also over.”
Like seriously, shut up! Lemme enjoy! Leave me alooooonnnnneeeeeaaahhh!!!!
She didn’t.
I had to go back home for a month. Had written some really cool music inspired by the boy who sparkles and I wanted to record it, come back and run back into his arms, sit on his couch and make him listen to the songs I’ve written inspired by him. For he is my muse. And I think he likes it.
I’m back home. It’s a beautiful place, peaceful, quiet, but still my head was so loud. So so loud with thoughts about things I don’t really want to get into.
I realised as much as I enjoy coming home and making music, it’s also very isolating.
Loneliness: “I know you didn’t miss me! But here I am bitch!”
I used to work from home before I shifted to Mumbai. I did that for about four good years. And it was very empty. I do cherish the extra time I got to live with my parents because most folx don’t get to do that at that age. But I longed for camaraderie, someone… because I felt ever-so-alone back home. There was no one my age to hang out with. Just every night, sitting and wishing, sitting and wishing, sitting and wishing for someone who wants to hang out with me every chance they get, especially after my pet had passed away. It’s so hard to lose a pet. Actually I was his pet. Doing everything at his whim. My poopie… I miss him so much. And now I was back in the same room he never will be in again, again.
Struggling to sleep alone. It’s a thing I struggle with on really bad days when I feel like I can’t breathe and that all hope is lost. I need someone to be there. I have learnt to show up for myself, but there is this ache that swells sometimes that I felt throughout high school, college and now working and twerking around, this need of wanting to be close to someone who knows me inside and out and whom I can’t wait to know. And for the first time, I had him. The boy who sparkles was sparkling all over me!
A thousand miles away but yet in my heart, beating, humming him into a melody I’m going to record. But I’m worried. Something could have gone terriblly wrong! Something is wrong! I don’t feel okay.
It had just been a day since I had returned home. Wasn’t he supposed to go to the hospital for a checkup? Gosh! He was so anxious to get his reports! I’m anxious too! I care.
I text him.
“Is everything okay? How did the appointment go? Tell me, I’m worried.”
Okay. Will let him breathe. Must be busy. A day goes by.
Woah! Oh! No! What if something has come up in his reports and he is sitting all alone in some hospital room! My boy with sparkles needs me and I’m not there for him. Blasphemy! This cannot be!
I text again. I call. Nothing.
My head hurts. My world is spinning. My mom is confused about what’s going on and why I walk around with a concerned frown! I told her that my friend said he’s going to the hospital and I haven’t heard back from him in two days.
Hospitals… scare the living shit out of me.
Fuck!!! Is he okay! Should I message his cousin. But that’s a breach. Is it?
I hold myself down for another day.
And there he is.
“Sorry I fell sick so I couldn’t revert. All good. Reports came back totally fine.”
Phew! He’s fine. This was scary. Man! I was so worried though.
Now remember I told you how social media dictates a lot of things in our times and how better off I would be if I was living in the Emily Dickinson era?
Why to even entertain that, I’m fucked! I live in the digital age!
Wait, why has he been uploading insta stories all this time while I was texting him for an update? Seemed so insincere to me. I’m genuinely hurt and a little pissed. At myself for giving a damn! You have time to post insta stories while you are sick and not give the only person you have told you are going to the hospital an update for two days? You couldn’t take 5 seconds to update/ text/ pick up/call, anything?
Maybe that’s just how he operates and I’m boggling his brain. People are different, the boy who sparkles is different. Maybe it was overwhelming for him to spend so much time with me and now I’m out of sight, out of mind. Maybe he is focused on something else.
Still, I believe this to be an honest relation and if I have not liked this specific inconsistent behaviour of his, I must let him know so it doesn’t happen again. Because that’s what you do when you want to grow with the person right? If they do something you don’t appreciate, you tell them. Not to make them feel bad, but because you care enough to communicate, they are important enough to tell it to. What’s the point of being fake and brushing it under the carpet? It will only cause resentment in the future where I would be like ‘that time you did this.’ So instead I should, I must tell him.
And I also realised I have severe abandonment issues. Like I’m just waiting for all good things to be over and for people to leave me. I micro analyse everything, a slight shift in behaviour of someone I care, and oh! I’m a gonner.
The construction workers in my head will start building a wall on a 24/7 hr shift and I’ll be on overdrive, trying to predict how this person is going to hurt me, preparing myself to be prepared and handle it. Push them away, give them every reason to leave, create reasons for them to leave while secretly hoping and praying, hoping and praying, hoping and praying that they stay and hold on tighter. Fuck! But he doesn’t know that. Will he care enough to understand?
I must communicate.
But gosh! Not on text. Please please please, not on a text. You know, all goes to shit when I start texting about serious emotions. I become a different person, I can’t interpret the tone and go nuclear. So let’s try getting on one of those video calls like we used to. It’s been a while. It was our thing. I wouldn’t know how to text always so he would meet me halfway and we would video call sometimes.
So I texted him: “Hi! I’m not feeling close to you, let’s get on a call sometime, no?”
Sparkles: “You are not feeling close to me in a week? Kya chal raha hai?”
Yeh bhi sahi hai, ek hafte meh toh aisa nahi hona chahiye. But the thing is aisa feel hua. Maybe if I too had been utterly busy like him, which I wasn’t back home, it wouldn’t have mattered. I wouldn’t have done all this overthinking. But here we were.
Maybe if I didn’t feel my melancholia sinking back in, because of where I was in life, feeling the things that I was, which were also totally unrelated to him, I wouldn’t have cared. Meanwhile Fears and Insecurities: “he’ll leave you too.” Stop! I’m hurting already. Don’t push him away! Talk! Talk to him. Just talk to him. Tell him, what’s going on. He has no idea what it’s like in my head right now. How can he? But I’ll try by talking about it because I want to feel connected and I feel the world spinning underneath my bed.
I want to tell someone not just my happiest things but my saddest thoughts as well. After all, he is my person.
Sparkles: “These days I’m busy. I have a friend’s farewell party to plan and a wedding to attend.”
Hmmm… okay, “busy” man.
And I’m sure all of those events were going to be a bit overwhelming for him.
Sparkles: “I’ll give you a call once I feel a little free.”
Yay! Cool. But damnit! I gotta ask what helps him calm down in a social space. I don’t think he likes being social very much. I wanna learn more about how to be there for him. It can’t just be about what I need from him na.
Chalo will do, we will talk. So excited!
Me: “I’ll make a list of things I wanna tell you!”
Because there literally was so much that I wanted to tell him!!! And know everything about his life!
Lol! You know I forgot how to reverse my new car, in the middle of the road!!! At 3 fucking a.m!
My mom wanted to go to a temple nearby and these new cars have this system where you are supposed to pick up the gear to reverse and I forgot. Bahahahaahaha!!!!
“Hey bhagwan! Abh kya kareinge!!!” She is having a meltdown with me. Took me a lot of panic and two google searches to figure out. But it was hilarious! He will love this story.
Indian moms are so iconic.
Next I will tell him about the sparrows nest next to my room! It’s so cute. They made it themselves. And oh! There is this bitch ass bird who taps on my window every morning and it sounds like someone is knocking from the outside! Raaawwwrrr!
I’ll tell him about the new song I just farted out! I think I’m gonna finish my next year’s album as well within the week. I’m creatively sparked.
Should I tell him horror stories? No… I don’t want him to be scared of my hometown. Lol! He’s got to come here!
Oh! I know! Got to tell him about the cloud burst that just happened! The electric surge was so much that some of the solar lights stayed on for two days! Bahahaahaaa!!!! Like even if we switched them off, they would stay on. Dayum!!! Weather is sooo bad! Monsoon keeps getting worse every year. So scary.
Oh and then I must tell him about this one thing… I’ll tell him about… I’ll tell him… I’ll…
The thing is I kept writing that list, a week passed by, two weeks passed by, and I was still waiting for that call.
I know, why couldn’t I just message and remind him about our call? ‘When is it happening? I’m waiting.’ I should have just texted and asked again! But he must be having the time of his life at the wedding and his friend’s farewell must be bittersweet and here I’m with my Joy and Sadness that he clearly does not have the time for. I didn’t want to feel desperate by asking him again and again to call and stuff as it felt like a familiar ache and I had already started feeling cheap. Because for me just because you have a farewell party to plan and a wedding to attend to and I’m sure his work is a lot, you couldn’t take five minutes for me? Or just tell me that you won’t be able to call or will directly talk to me when I come back?
Because isn’t everyone busy? I too am juggling ten things a day in Mumbai, yet I make time, he is always my priority. When he texted asking where my go-to gift shop was when he needed to buy rakhi gifts for his sister, I was in the middle of a work meeting, yet I quickly made time and told him. It’s like if you want to, you would. Wouldn’t you? Stop!!! I know I’m very lonely and sad right now and that’s why I’m focusing on these tiny things, trying to distract myself from what I’m feeling at home. Re-focus bitch! I have seen too many sad reels and I’m letting them influence how I feel, that’s not our story! No reel can tell us what we are and what he thinks, only the boy who sparkles can. It doesn’t matter, these tiny things don’t matter because I know when I need him to show up he will. I know he cares. He gives a damn. Remember what it’s like when you two are around each other. Remember it. Hold on to it. Protect it.
And maybe some things were stopping him, but gosh! Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours. I’m curious about how it works and want to understand it. And if I’m telling you that I feel distant, squeeze my hand tighter and remind me that you are still holding it for I will convince myself that I’m holding on to an open hand.
Another week passed, I gave up. I grieved his absence in silence.
Fears and Insecurities: “he’s already left you.”
I recorded one brutal song after another, my shoulders were heavy. My eyes tired of weeping about all the other things happening in my life and I couldn’t and wasn’t able to tell him any of this. So I opened the door, invited Sadness in and started feeling like a stranger within.
Booked my tickets back to Mumbai and didn’t tell him about it. Because I reached a place where I didn’t know if he wanted to know. He was right where we had left things, but I changed. My core became damp.
Sadness had told me before we parted ways the last time, “I’ll be back”, and there she was, wrapped up all around me.
All I wanted was to land in Mumbai, run into his arms, sit on his couch, catch up on everything, know every detail I have missed out on. Make him listen to my songs! Kiss him goodnight again.
But that’s not what happened. I couldn’t just turn a switch and be fake, happy and pick up right where we left, especially with him. I do that a lot in front of most people in my life, I can’t do so with the boy who Sparkles.
He asked, “when are you coming?” on the day I was catching my flight, I didn’t have it in me to tell him. Because I knew he would come to the airport to pick me up and the first thing I wanted to not do when I returned was bury him under my Sadness. I wanted to make him happy, the happiest, but I just didn’t know how to tell him or anyone in my life all this that I’m feeling right now. And somewhere or the other, I know mujhe chul machi thi, to fight with him and I was trying my best not to handle things like I would have in the past. But… heavy sigh.
So instead of a dream sequence, I dove right into work. Because I too am a busy boi.
I told him I’m free on Sunday. He said he was busy. So I guess the following Sunday then.
Next Sunday comes in, he hasn’t updated me yet about whether we are meeting or not so I ask. He reverts later in the afternoon that he has more work. Understood.
Next Sunday then.
I mean yeah, it pinched a lot. To feel that the boy I felt the closest to before I left the city, now feels so far away. I’d been back for two weeks and we still hadn’t met. And I get it that he’s been busy, but ouch!
I should have just said that I missed you so much! And it sucks so so much that I was away for a month and now its been two weeks since I have been back and we still haven’t met. Instead I added my suffocating silence in to the pit of fire I was already burning in. And as much as I would like a different story of how things were unfolding, this is the one that’s been written, and how it goes from here is absolutely his choice.
You know I had a friend. Let’s call them Sprinkles.
Hahaa! Sparkles, Sprinkles. I’m definitely onto something.
Sprinkles was my best friend. They live in Mumbai only. I loved Sprinkles.
But they did this thing, where they knew how much I wanted to hang out, spend one on one time together and for whatever reason they always said they were busy. Too busy on weekdays because of work, yet I would see their stories of roaming around doing cool, fun things. Too busy on weekends because of this or that, yet I would see stories of them just drinking and partying five minutes away from my house.
They were unkind enough to say, ‘too busy for you’ and kind enough to say “I will call you back later! Just very busy. Will hang out next week. Busy! No, next week pacca! Busy rn! Acha next week. BUSY!”
It never happened. We never met.
And I guess I got my final trigger, was the past going to repeat itself? Was Sparkles also Sprinkles?
Remember when I told you what Fear and Insecurities were yelling? “We’ll be back!”
Oh! They were so back and so unwelcomed but what do you do when you are feeling so alone and helpless and these big bullies barge into your home in a city that you feel like a stranger in?
You lie in bed wrapped up in Sadness and let them rob you of everything you cherish and hold dear.
Rob you of… Sparkles.
Close your eyes as you black out. You can hear everything falling apart, all your treasures breaking and you’re the one doing all of it, you just don’t know it yet. I have woken up now as I write this. I hope it’s not too late.
It’s a mess. I’m wrestling and beating the shit out of Fear and Insecurities! How dare I let you do this to my Sparkles!
How dare I do what I did to my Sparkles!
I have my tape, super glue, my tears, my love, my spellbook, my magic, I’m begging the universe, on my knees, casting a spell, singing my song I wrote for him:
“Aisi aandhi aa rahi hai, ujaad degi thikaana,
Chhin jayega jo na tha mera, tera kya meh Sarhana?
Maaf karde, hui hai galti,
Tu hi mera khazaana!”
To be continued.
-from The Boy Who Glitters
