Queer despair, just like queer joy, is a multifaceted emotion. It’s not just an internalised rejection of the queer self, but also an external reaction to societal elements, like queerphobia and cisheteronormativity.

Violence whether physical or emotional against queer people further damages one’s inner world, making the queer self feel invisible, isolated and unsafe. And the truth is that, to work towards achieving queer joy, one has to first recognise and acknowledge the factors that are causing us pain and emotional anguish.

So, here’s a step-by-step guide to slowly but surely reducing the burden of queer despair, and embracing queer joy:

Step 1: Acknowledge the Source of Despair

Queer despair isn’t just personal, it’s political. It often comes from living in a world that feels hostile to queer people, whether that’s from anti-queer laws, unsafe home environments, lack of legal protection, or everyday discrimination. Recognising this helps you see that your despair is valid; it’s a response to real, external conditions.

Step 2: Let Yourself Feel the Weight of It

It’s normal to feel exhausted, angry, or just plain tired in the face of this reality. Letting yourself feel those emotions, instead of suppressing them, is a form of resistance. It means you haven’t given up, or let yourself get numb to the pain; you still choose to pay attention and care, even if it hurts.

Step 3: Find Proof That You’re Not Alone

Queer joy doesn’t blossom and grow in isolation. Seek out people or communities whether online or offline who understand your experience. Follow queer creators, read queer news, join support groups, or even just talk to someone who gets it. Seeing others survive, thrive and care can help you start imagining a future again.

Step 4: Take One Step That Centres Your Queerness

Even in hostile environments, find ways however small to live more truthfully. That could mean asking people you trust to use your preferred pronouns, applying to companies with queer-affirming policies, or having difficult conversations with those who’ve made you feel small. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but even the smallest steps matter.

Step 5: Create Moments of Joy on Your Own Terms

Achieving queer joy shouldn’t feel like a tiring uphill climb. Create opportunities for small but regular moments of happiness. It could be spending more time with queer friends, or actively engaging with queer media. These fleeting moments should remind you that joy isn’t just the reward at the end of the journey it can live in the everyday, too.

Step 6: Start Building Spaces That Support You, and Others

Long-term queer joy comes not just from being a part of queer-friendly spaces, but from helping create them too. This could mean slowly building a network of queer friends and allies, advocating for inclusive workplace policies, or joining activist networks. The goal is real, collective change, for yourself and for the broader queer community.