What’s worse than saying something you regret to someone you deeply care about?
Never taking full accountability and not apologising for your behaviour.
Dear reader,
I have lost the ear of the boy who sparkles. He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore or listen to my explanations, let alone my apologies. He wants space. He wants to disassociate from me and focus on living a life without me in it.
And I never want to be misunderstood by the people I care for or to stop understanding them, and distance shoots me into spirals that I can’t handle. As much as I don’t want that, life sometimes puts you through a test. I think I’ve failed this one so far. So I’m trying to do better. Trying to keep my sanity intact by saying it somewhere, by spilling my words on these pages to you.
For the boy who sparkles and I have fought. Correction* I was an asshole to him. He seemed like he was in a good mood. My goofy king! Sent me such cute voice notes, the cutest voice notes that will haunt me for the rest of my life knowing I might never get them ever again. How am I supposed to live with that!
Everything was perfect! He was happy and was being so nice, gentle, warm, loving, funny and tender and I… I was bitter, anxious, untrusting, angry and snappy. I was at my lowest. I couldn’t reciprocate that back to him because of whatever fucked-up headspace I was in during that time, which was unrelated to him. Regardless, I needed to tell him everything to feel honest again.
I was pissed that we had not met in so long, pissed that everyone in my life had listened to my new songs but him, pissed that I broke down crying in front of my folx just the other day about things that were getting to me and I hated that he wasn’t the first one I told them to. Pissed that I didn’t get to tell him all the things I wrote on my list. Pissed that I wasn’t able to tell him what all I had been dealing with and in the entire city he felt like the one person I wanted to tell everything to and be held by. Why couldn’t I just shove everything down and be right where we left, for that’s where he was!!! That’s what I always do anyway, right? Act… pretend to be whatever, whoever wants me to be, mould myself into their reality so I’m not left because I know my feelings are too much to handle for me, let alone anyone else! Why would anyone make a room for my feelings in their house? Who wants an unpredictable cloud that looks like rainbow and sunshine but farts out lightning storms in their own house? Why didn’t I just pretend one more time? I guess, for he is the boy who sparkles and for him, for once in my life I wanted to not put on a happy face, and I wanted my bleeding heart to bleed around as much as it wants to with no one telling it to stop bleeding! No one worrying about the mess it will leave behind, just bear witness, I’ll point you to the medical aid when it’s time.
But… heavy sigh!
He was making future mani pedi plans together and I was considering everything that I would get excited for to be a lie and would be taken away from me, especially on that day… IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF 2025!
Even the solar eclipse was upon us. For the first time in 5 years I had taken off my white pearl necklace which is for “keeping me calm” by the way. Then this neverending monsoon and even my left eye had been twitching for the longest time! Great! Just what I needed, more bad luck.
Not blaming it on the stars but, fuck you stars!
The week started with getting to know that a work contract that I was counting on to fly me through the rest of the year, was not going to happen. Fuckity fuck fuck! Do I have to stress more about money now? Aaaaaaaa!!!
On top of that my parents and I kept having our fights over “things” again! If that wasn’t enough something sooo pissing off happened at a work gig that afternoon and I was ENRAGED and could not do anything about it for at least ten days: a standoff with someone who means a lot to me was bubbling. I was spiralling, I was fighting with people left, right and centre throughout the day! Everyone, everything was pissing me off! All my closest folx were either busy with work, having sex, or out of town and I was all alone eating dinner and it sucked. Life fucking sucked!!! So soo much! And it hurt… sitting alone, bottled up, not wanting to tell anyone anything, yet wanting to be understood without being willing to take off my mask. I felt estranged from everything and everyone, not just from the boy who Sparkles, chewing my food that had nothing wrong with it yet tasted so bitter as I sat eating it alone after the hat- trick of bad days I had had. I was in Mumbai, but it felt like I was back in my hometown from years ago, sitting and wishing, sitting and wishing, sitting and wishing to not be alone tonight. Especially tonight. I had run out of strength. I don’t like it. I don’t like anything. I’m out of place, out of sync. I’m not aligned. I need comfort. I need a fucking hug. Right now! Please!!!!
I never want to bother anyone with my emotions or feel like a burden to them mostly because I’m scared that no one wants my darkness, they just want the glitters and today, but with the boy who sparkles, I need to try but once again, I didn’t know just how to go about it.
My boy who sparkles was my only hope to make this nightmare of a day better. I needed to tell him all the things weighing me down, but I couldn’t because I didn’t know if I could anymore. I was skeptical and was micro analysing his behaviour. There was so much pent up friction in me that the train was about to go off track. I wanted to be held and told everything will be okay. Which I now understand is too much pressure to put on someone, who is also a human being with his own life. I shouldn’t seem like I will punish you for not showing up for me and not giving me what I want when I have not even communicated that because if I’m going through a hundred things, he must too be dealing with things of his own. Sadness, Fears and Insecurities must be saying frightening things to him just like they say to me. You never know!
Just because I’m having the worst day, how could I expect someone else to make it better when they are not even in the loop and I have decided to just snap and make their day worse too. Fool!!! I see where I went wrong and I’m all the more sorry for it. It was extremely unfair of me to lash out the way I did. I’m sorry.
I guess I was also emotionally dysregulated from trying to tell him that I feel distant and estranged and was feeling what I felt and wanted to make room for why and what I wanted to express. I felt like I could not be fake because I treasure what we have enough to express all that’s on my mind with honesty. Because for me it’s like until I have told him or we have talked about something that bugged either of us, I won’t be the same in front of him. We should be honest and have uncomfortable conversations to work things out because you care enough for them to. No? It’s like he was giving me freshly cooked rajma chawal but I could still smell the rotten eggs from last month. And it would be a disgrace to our bond if I pretended to smile and chew away with a facade on.
I hate that I spoke rudely to him, I hurt him with my words and terrible attitude and was passive-aggressive, and failed to respect his boundary, failed to respect his kindness, failed to match his pace, failed to treat him with love and empathy. It was unintended but yes, I am sorry.
For me, the biggest place where I went wrong was when I was coy and pushy about crashing at his place, without even telling him why I needed to! I wanted to feel safe somewhere and especially needed him to feel safe around at the time because I trust him so and it felt unsafe in my own house because of, again, things that were going on. Sorry reader, I’m barely telling you anything, but part three is just a rant. I didn’t know how to ask for help, not as a flex, I never have, because life just taught me to be a hyper independent kid I guess, but I was overwhelmed, losing my shit. It felt like the whole world was against me, falling right on top of me and he felt like a safe comforting space. Because that’s what he is. The last time I slept over at his house, I was utterly happy, it was peaceful, I needed that, but just was afraid of everything at this point. If I tell him the truth about what’s going on I’ll break down and it will be embarrassing and all that might be too much for him. I just want to make him happy and not be the reason he frowns.
But what did I do? I got snappy when he said no.
Didn’t he tell me I could crash anytime though? The time is now! I don’t want to be alone right now. But that’s not what I told him. Instead I started rebuking him about when he said I could crash anytime, was that a formality sir? Ew! When else has he said things to me as a formality? For I have never done so. I mean every word that comes from my mouth. Is he also like all these people I have dealt with this entire year who say things they don’t mean, for this city has tested my patience with it. Can I rely on his words or does he just say things? Fuck stop thinking. You aren’t pissed that he said no, you are pissed that you’re not getting to run away from the isolation, disconnect and the fear you are feeling. You are pissed that you feel distant. You’re not pissed at him for not being able to show up the way you want him to, for how can he? He doesn’t even know anything! But how do I tell him!!! Don’t type more! Don’t do it! Don’t take it out on him, I know we snap at people we care for because we think we have some haq on them, but not like this, without any context, but fuck, it’s hell already and it’s distracting me and I lost all sense of my senses.
He’s also clapping back because why will he take my attitude for no reason? That’s so wrong of me! Every text from him feels like a bullet, a missile and it’s doing damage. It’s breaking the pretty wall I was painting, the secret little garden I was creating, a wooden house in the woods… burning.
Even bigger fuck up is when I said, “if you are so bothered by me, then fine you’re free of me, leave” while he too was just expressing his hurt and things he doesn’t like. But bad timing I guess! It’s like, areh areh! Pehle mera toh sunke sort karlo, because otherwise it feels like retaliation. Like, oh! You’re saying all this so now I’ll also say all that that I didn’t like in the past.
Kya yaar! I can’t believe we of all people got lost in translation like that.
Chi!!! In choti cheezon ke liye I have lost my heera of a boy!
But yes, I broke the golden rule;
‘You never fight to break things apart, you fight to resolve them with your people.’
Imagine someone you love and who loves you back and you are in a heated argument and you both are getting hurt by every word the other person is saying that you don’t even mean!!!! And you choose to say, “you know what, leave! Go be free of me.”
You are saying bye without saying bye, shooing them away, disrespecting them, dropping their hand. What a terrible TERRIBLE thing to do. I am sorry. That’s what the whole day was like and I was genuinely at my rock bottom. I would be so hurt if he did that to me and it’s so fucked up that a part of me wanted him to say, “no I will not leave or be free of you like all the people before have. I’ll stay. For I’m not Sprinkles! I am the boy who Sparkles!” I was giving him every reason to leave, hoping and praying, hoping and praying , hoping and praying that he stays.
I hate you 17th of September so very fucking much.
Ek toh I was already so ncnfgjsjfnskdnxn and then I felt more jvfbskcbskfnncnd when he said he only signed up for a friendship with me. Ahem? What!!! Why is he even bringing that into this? Our fight wasn’t even about that, but it’s like whatever you throw on a burning pan, it will burn because the flame is just too hot right now! And it did.
Oh! It’s a burnt charred dish we are cooking and serving tonight, chef; one that none of us are going to eat.
Moreover, I did not like him categorising me in friendship. Excuse me! Tauba! Tauba!!!
To me that word felt like he was belittling what we have. Like I’m not doing what I do with him with my friends okay! He is more. He is my person! But just because I’m ready to call it what it is, does it mean he’s ready to hear it? Shouldn’t people be given their own time, space and freedom to say and realise things on their own? I shouldn’t act like a lawyer on court duty, collecting evidence, your lordship! He’s guilty, exhibit A!
That’s not the way to be. I’m sorry.
Again, the fight wasn’t even about who we are and what our expectations are from each other, we had already established that! One thing led to another, and gosh! I was just saying things I did not mean the entire time! If I could take back all the words I said that night, I would in a heartbeat. So unnecessary!
But I do understand now why it would feel like an insult even if he would call us “just friends” right now because I guess it means two very different things for us.
For me every walking-talking person is my friend, I give my friendship away like flyers of a theatre play, come! Join me here! Yay! Fun! But he is the boy who sparkles with whom I hang out in a very prized capacity. I’m not fighting with anyone else in the world to be understood by. I believe I have a soul connection with him and it means a lot to me. But no, he is not just another friend and I will not entertain this while I am this mad about other things already and fighting with him!
There are a very select few who are much more than that. And even though one should never try to typecast any relation into a specific definition, for that can cause it’s untimely demise, and should ideally let a bond be a thing that explains itself as it unfolds, I have never felt the urge to say it until now, but those select few are my *chosen family.*
To me, the boy who sparkles is my chosen family, not just some random friend.
Uff! I understand now that night in Versova beach when he told me he sees me as his best friend forever. Maybe he was trying to say the same thing.
And I guess for him, when he says just friends, I think it’s him saying that we are not dating and feeling burdened by some sense of hope. No, we are not. We are just living, breathing, laughing, talking, glittering and sparkling.
But I was angry and I snapped. And I said things that I should not have. I’m sorry.
But… Haye bhagwaan! Meh ab kya karoun. Kaise manaun? Maar dalo mujhe! Maar dalo!
Raaawwwwerrrr!!!
AND THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING OF ALL!
The worst thing is that it all happened over text! Over text!!!!? I told you I suck at it, boy who sparkles. Didn’t we decide on 27th May 11:43 pm after our first misunderstanding that texting is a bad form of communication for us!!?!!! I don’t know why but I misunderstand the tone, I get caught up in a frenzy while reading texts. And I fuck up! Time after time! I fuck up and have almost lost the people who are closest to me today over a fight on text! The reality of our fight looks like wooden swords next to the nuclear level explosions I have had on text! I’m not saying that this is all that I do, fight with folx I love on text, but once a year, ho jata hai jabh mandir jaana band kar deta houn. xD And we also only fight with people we have a haq on, no? But okay! Bottom line… umm top line… Oh ho! Vers line… I just can’t fight on text. Please, god. This cycle ends now.
And not to normalise it, but people fight, we fight with our loved ones, it’s inevitable. But I still have everyone I fought with by my side, as I mattered more to them and they to me than all the words said in anger. We mended what was broken, and even got closer and stronger, for they do feel the love I have in me for them.
The question is… Will the boy who sparkles feel it too? Will he forgive and understand? Ups and downs are inevitable, but am I worth the lows for him? For he is to me!
I know none of this would have happened if we were sitting in front of each other and talking. But it did. And I hate my world for it.
Queers! What to do than to build a time machine and start over!!!?!
There has been a misunderstanding between us. It was a bad BAD day. Do I deserve forgiveness? For “I’m asking for it. I’m dying for it.” Okay, yeah, not the best time to deflect pain with Pooja Mishra memes. I’m sorry.
I’ll keep writing what I can’t say to him right now for I need to put pen to paper or else I’ll combust.
I could have handled it well and expressed things in a better way. I should have listened to my gut and not bottled things up because I know what it does to me and the people around but I just couldn’t find the space to express! I became a ticking time bomb and I exploded and hurt him the most for he was at my closest proximity. I’m sorry. I should be a little kind to myself though, for I too am walking a road that feels completely new to me.
Heavier sigh.
He wants us to take some time off, which is fair. I had been very intense and disrespectful of his agency, for which I’m extremely sorry. He thinks I’m hurting because of him, but the thing is I was already hurting and it was hurting more to not tell him, and now ***I’m hurting the most because of the fact that I hurt him.*** That’s it. The moment I told him that I didn’t like the inconsistency, casualness and insincerity that I had felt earlier, and he properly apologised, I felt seen and heard, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off me, like I was finally not lying or hiding things from him anymore and was ready to be back to the way it was. It was an honest bond again, at least in my head. Fuck my head!
It’s really sad to realise that that’s the interaction I have had with someone I claim to love and care about and have parted ways with now over.
Yes, we had a fight for the first time like this. I want to work it out. Not because it’s going to be a vicious cycle that goes on and on and repeats itself. It was never even about the things we actually fought about. That’s the tragic irony that kills me.
I have learnt my lesson and now genuinely know better. If there is ever another avalanche, I’m actually better equipped to handle it and have a deeper understanding of how his and my brain operates. I now know how I need to be better at some places and ensure he doesn’t feel the need to tip toe around me. We are queers, we already grew up so alone, is it really worth living a single day of our lives without the people who make us happy and like we belong and feel seen and understood with? People with whom it just feels right?
I hope I was at least that to him for he is that to me.
I really don’t like how people just move on from people at the pace they do, especially in this city. So hollow and lackluster, I will not be one of them. This has been utter hell! Is it that easy for him to just walk away and carry on with his life?
I have wanted to feel, all my life, that’s all I do. FEEL. Some might say being so honest is only going to scare him away; focus on your life, you are making a mistake, well that might be true, but I know Halley’s Comet is going to come in 2061, and I know the secret path to a cave near my house that no one has discovered, and I know the sun is out there even if I can’t see it everyday, I know… I have found someone worth enough to make a mistake for and feel what I feel for. How lucky am I!
I know, in the grander scheme of things, this is nothing to lose someone so important over. Is it?
He thinks I was calling him bad for my mental health and choosing to leave him, it must have been a familiar ache for I did try to do it once and knew instantly, never again! He thinks I’m running over my feelings by trying to mend this and settling for whatever he has to offer and I totally see why he would think that. But that is absolutely not the case. I was trying to show a road map about how to tread this trail so we can get out of it as quickly as possible and the moment he understood what I had expressed, for me we were out of the woods. But what matters is, did I lose him in the forest? Did he follow my trail? I’m back deep inside, screaming his name. Searching for him. Hoping and wishing, hoping and wishing, hoping and wishing, praying to find him or for him to find his way back to me.
I’m not settling for less by trying to fix what I broke, I’m not settling for whatever he has to offer by trying to get back to the way it was, rather I’m fighting for what we have because the boy who sparkles is more than enough the way he is and worth every bit to me.
Sometimes you feel something special with certain folx and with him I did, and still do. He feels like my late-pet, Pluto, in a human form… the vibe, the energy is so pure and innocent. And I mean it as the “highest form of compliment.” I just wanna googly-woogly his cheeks all the time.
I can’t lose them both all over again. That can’t be the last hug I gave him. That’s not how it ends. Please.
He doesn’t like it when I taunt him, I know deep within he knows that that’s just my love language. I do it for fun. And maybe he said that to me in anger just like I said many things to him too. But if it’s not funny for him, I won’t do that, ever! Meh kisi street meh walking insaan ko taane nahi maarta na…meh sirf apno ko taunt karta houn. That’s why I would taunt him too, not to make him feel bad. I am sorry.
I hope the universe doesn’t punish me for having one bad day that led to miscommunication and an outburst. I hope I don’t lose my sparkles over this.
Chalo king, maaf kardo! I know, chul mujhe padi thi ladne ki aur bhugat bhi meh hi rahah houn abh.
I believe what we have is special and rare but I guess I can only leave it to the universe now, because if what we have is going to be lost over this modern digital bs, over this unnecessary, yet maybe destined event then maybe to the boy who sparkles I wasn’t worth it, then maybe we were not as strong as I thought we were and he doesn’t see the love, care and value I have for him. Maybe he was in it solely for a good time with me for who wants my somber when all I’m known for are the glitters. And that’s something I will have to live with and can’t change. All in all, I’m glad whatever happened has happened, I’m sure there’s a reason behind it. I now know what it’s like to be in his shoes, how my actions and words can also affect a person, where I need to be better and a lot more understanding while I’m asking to be understood. I can’t test someone’s care for me and I need to stop running away from Loneliness, Sadness, Fears and Insecurities, and not try to make someone the gatekeeper of them, or think they’ll be gone once this or that happens. I need to invite them in and remember they are not the only ones home. There’s also, Kindness, Hope, Dreams, Ambition and many more all living under the roof of… Love.
For “love is all there is” and ever will be despite the days where I feel otherwise. And if you come to think of it, all of this happened because there was enough love, haina?
Just because I was afraid of how much value he has in my life, and was convinced that he was unknowingly going to misuse it because of the people before him, and the pent up negativity needed a release, I got scared and doubled down reacting the way I did. I was a wounded animal, whoever came close enough, I clawed. And he was the closest. I’m sorry.
I used to think I have to be loved back in the same language. As much as I can control the sunrise and the sunset, I can’t control the boy who sparkles, I can only express. And so I have.
I can’t make him realise that one of the hardest things I have done this entire year is to be in a party and pretend to be strangers with him and not talk to him the way we used to, pretending to be someone who can just part ways. I only went there to see him and apologise and try to explain myself, that’s why I wanted to drop him off too hoping I would get a moment alone as I couldn’t make the party about our mishap so I stayed quiet. Wishing and hoping, wishing and hoping, wishing and hoping I would get to talk to him and explain. And when I didn’t, again, hell was a bed I was crying on. I must have overwhelmed him with the voice messages I sent that very night which weren’t entirely to do with him, everything finally got to me and I broke and it felt right to be that vulnerable to him not realising that could be too much for him, for anyone. No one wants to hear me cry like that. I did realise that I can’t last a day fighting with him or sleep angry. No one should with the people they care for. I can’t make him want me in any capacity in his life. That’s for his heart to feel and for his eyes to see.
I guess sometimes we are so used to disappointment and ache that we keep searching for it in places… in people it doesn’t even exist in. I did. And I regret it. What happened to “giving love with no fear and having no fear while loving?” If someone wants to misuse, take it for granted, let them, it’s their loss anyway, but I must, I will and I shall love with all that I have, regardless because I have plenty of it to give! That’s my mantra and I forgot to chant it.
All I can do is give him the space he needs, not pressurise him, match his pace. It’s been a month now, and I have never been this sad and I can only respect his decision, regardless. But knowing what I hope he knows now, I sincerely hope, I don’t taste sour when he thinks of me and that our good days are enough to get through this one bad day. That our bond and our memories have enough gravity to not be lost in space. For I want to be happy with him again and I hope it’s the same for him.
I wanna go for that mani-pedi sesh, I wanna paint more canvases with him, I drew something for him, its pretty, I think. Watch so many more films together, I wanna dance my heart out like we did, discover new things, feel new things, watch him stop an auto the way he does, “Bandstand,” roll a joint again… Lol! We did that! Listen to all his stories, tell him all my stories! Celebrate festivals at his home town with his family! (His mom did invite me.* Lowkey was so excited for Diwali! But sigh, I ruined it.)
I wanna be honest about everything, never sleep angry, tell him whatever, whenever, never make him feel like he has to overthink and over explain himself, communicate better, be happier. Life is long, ups and downs will happen, it won’t always be happy go lucky! Cherish every bit, give a second hug, I wanna make more memories, be a witness to his life and live it with him, sparkle and glitter together while feeling like a prayer, not a prison and hope he wants to too.
I guess people do fuck up, I did, but I hope they are capable of a second chance.
So what do you do when you have been the worst to someone who means a lot to you and they don’t want to hear from you anymore?
You take full accountability and apologise for your behaviour or sometimes write a 6000 words article and divide it into three parts. Make an anonymous submission, so you can stay sane, and hope that he reads it and understands someday. Sooner than soon haan plz!
Hence, here I am, losing count of my “sorry”. I’m sorry.
Gosh! I can’t wait to laugh about all this someday, but I ain’t laughing about it rn sista!
“Ho gaya jo tha hona,
Chin na payega jo tha…
Hai Mera.”
Until then.
I’m the boy who glitters and I found a beautiful mountain with the boy who sparkles, a mountain where it snowed on a pink moon, a trigger happened in the months to come and an avalanche did what it had to.
But will spring come? Will summer, monsoon, autumn? Will it snow again? Would love to see them all with him. And when another calamity hits us, be it a category 10 storm, will he stay… make it back to the mountain for a rainbow?
With love.
Goofynight boy who sparkles for I glitter you, always.
