Article 1, Article 2, Article 3, Article 4, Article 5, Article 6, Article 7, Article 8, Article 9

I am queer, I am sapphic, and I want a monogamous and happy long-term relationship. This is not something that I have gotten to see between two women while growing up in India. Although I had met older gay men in person in India, the first older sapphic couple that I met was at a queer event in London. My bestie and I were fascinated with the tales of the physical spaces in their life—a vineyard, ceramic store, and even a bike modification garage—but they were white. This meant that while they could make one feel hopeful in theory, there was still a gap in terms of actual possibilities.

Also read: I am not an Immersive Experience

Recently, however, that changed. I joined an artistic queer group and the organiser was a super cool brown woman who I ended up meeting again at a South Asian event. We had a fun conversation and at some point decided to get together to create more art. One thing led to another, and when I was walking with her and her partner towards their house they mentioned something about this having been a great area to buy a flat. My brain did not compute this, because I am a twenty-five year old immigrant who has absolutely no confidence in ever being able to buy a house in the UK. But neither do any of my friends—so how had these people afforded this? Suddenly I noticed signs that I had missed all along—them talking about college like it had been some time ago, them mentioning living in different countries for years as adults- and I asked immediately, “How old are the two of you?”

They were in their 30s(!!!). And I know that if you are in your thirties and reading this you are probably like “what’s the big deal?” But they both looked so young that I had been expected to walk into another twenty-something’s makeshift apartment that she shares with her girlfriend. I was NOT emotionally prepared to walk into a home that two sapphic women—one of whom was brown—had built together over years of love. I had no idea that I would soo be greeted by the friendliest black cat on the planet who had shifted continents with them and was their little baby. No one had told me that there would be a piano, and a dining table decorated with the EXACT candles that I would pick if I got to build a home with my future wife. To summarise: I had not woken up that morning with the information that that would be the day that I would get to see a real, living, breathing queer brown woman enveloped in cosy domesticity with her partner of many years. I was overwhelmed and was feeling ecstatic; and I was so moved. It is tough to dream about a possibility that we do not see around us. While I had been swiping right on dating apps and dreaming about having a home with my partner someday, meeting this couple made it seem somehow easier to achieve. This is why we need older queer people around us—to remind us not only of how far we have come, but also how far we can go.

And I would like to believe that I am now one step closer to that ‘how far’, because I have some news—your girl is in a relationship! It is very new, which means that we have moved in together (just kidding!). The truth is that when I had started this column I did not have an end goal in mind—it was not like ‘oh, within 10 articles I need to have a girlfriend’. That is not how life works, and that wasn’t the point. It was to just put a personal narrative about being queer in a foreign land out into the world, because we certainly need more of those. This column has been about ME, and not about how we should all eventually end up with someone. But somehow, it happened. You already know my girlfriend, by the way—she is the one I bought a dildo with after the first date and the one I kissed in front of the Tower Bridge. She is also the one who I love talking to about everything and who I firmly believe gives the best cuddles.

This was never meant to be an advice column, but if I had to say something to the girl who wrote the first piece a few months ago I would say this:

• Buy a premium dating app subscription, these things don’t work otherwise. –
• Keep investing time in your hobbies and keep resting. Never don’t prioritize yourself.
• Stay honest and keep doing your screening questions with every potential date.
• If something feels off, leave the date quicker.
• Trust your instincts and notice when you are loving talking to someone.

In short, keep doing exactly what you are doing.

Everyone has their own path, and if you know where you want to eventually end up, you will find a way there. Most importantly, continue to keep seeking out queer joy—whether you are single or partnered, the most important relationship that you have is with yourself—if that anchor is strong, it will always be (relatively) smooth sailing.