FAQueer : Queer Or Not?

In many many cases, because of the social and cultural environments around us, or because of lack of awareness, we never realise or develop our true sexual preference and instincts and end up feeling incomplete, unhappy or unsatisfied without knowing reasons. To me, a person is gay/lesbian if and only if he/she bonds both sexually AND emotionally with people of same gender.

Do you have to get physical with a woman to know that you’re a lesbian? I have been in a terribly on & off relationship with a guy before and we broke up because of my strong attraction towards women. I’m thoroughly confused about my sexual orientation.. how &when will I ever know If I’m straight/Bi/lesbian ? – Sent in by Anonymous

No you don’t ! Just the way you don’t need to see a glass of water to feel thirsty, you don’t need to actually have had a sexual/physical interaction with another women to confirm your sexual preference. Sexual preference is an inbuilt instinct and cannot be developed or changed.

In many many cases, because of the social and cultural environments around us, or because of lack of awareness, we never realise or develop our true sexual preference and instincts and end up feeling incomplete, unhappy or unsatisfied without knowing reasons. To me, a person is gay/lesbian if and only if he/she bonds both sexually AND emotionally with people of same gender.

But at the same time, just because you find women sexy, or are unhappy with the man you have met may not mean that you are actually a lesbian. It could also be because you have not met the right guy ! So evaluate your situation carefully.

With the growing rate of Queer kids being driven to suicide because of bullying in school/collage, what advise do you have for those in similar circumstances? – Asked by Gaysi Family

Being queer is not a question of choice. Just the way being tall/short or fair/dark is not an option, your sexual preference is not a matter of choice, but a matter of nature.

I will advice the following in these circumstances:

1. Educate the educators about sexual minorities. Sensitise them.

2. Ask the kids to seek counselling and join support groups where they can. There are many on line support groups and counselling services, as well as in person counsellors who specialize in queer issues.

3. Don’t feel that you are alone or marginalised. And you are what you are. There is NOTHING wrong in being gay/lesbian/transgender.

4. Seek out friends of your kind. They are every where. Remember that by popular conception homosexuals form about 10% of the population !

5. Instead of dwelling in self pity, focus energies in areas you excel in like arts, sports, theatre, public speaking, writing, studies and what ever your preferences are.

Remember, it is perfectly fine to be gay. We are no different than others, except that we like people of our own gender. And this is NO crime. Gay relationships are legal in many countries and gay partners have the same rights as a wife/husband do in a marriage. This will happen in India to in due course !

[*Editor’s Note : If you’ve wanted to talk to someone with credentials about the struggles you’re going through, or your friends and family members are going through – this is your chance! Please send in your questions either as a comment to this post or use the contact form & we’ll forward your questions to Amit. Needless to say, your identity will not be revealed and you can be as anonymous as you please.]

About the guest author

Amit Agrawal

Amit is a 39 year old trained counsellor for alternate sexuality and has helped numerous men/women via face to face and telephone counselling. He identifies as gay. Is business manager by profession.