There was a TikTok video that came across my feed. In that video, there was a presumably cisgender straight woman who asked the question, “Lesbians who are attracted to and date hyper masculine women, why don’t they just date a guy?” Now, there were a lot of things that bugged me about that video, and it was just a mess of lesbophobic rhetoric. But for now, let’s focus on the main question.
“Why not just date a guy?”
Those who know me well know that I proudly identify as a femme lesbian. I am very hyper-feminine, and I only perform femininity for myself and other queer people. I don’t just identify as femme for aesthetic purposes, I deeply resonate with the political aspect of the label in which femme lesbians use their femininity to protect others. And those who know me very well know that I am attracted to butches and masc people. I am very candid about my attraction and what I look for in a partner. These are the aspects about myself that I am proud and open about. I take no shame in it whatsoever.
However, it is unfortunately this openness that has led people to ask me the question, “Why not just date a guy?”
So for all the people who have asked me this question, let me, your not-so-mean lesbian, give you a detailed answer as to why I don’t just date a guy.
My femininity is for me and other queers
As mentioned before, I only perform my femininity for myself, for the girls, and for the queers. Something interesting I heard once was that a femme lesbian’s femininity is closer to drag queens’ femininity than it is to a straight woman’s femininity.
So what even is a femme? Some people think that a femme is simply a lesbian version of a feminine woman, which is not completely true. Being femme is queer. A femme isn’t always a cisgender woman, femmes can be of any gender identity. I even consider femme as part of my gender identity. My identity is an intentional expression of my femininity. I consider it a creative way to celebrate parts of myself. In a heteronormative society that often pushes women to become submissive and docile, I use my relationship with femininity as a femme as a source of reclamation of my agency. This does not belong to a man and will never belong to a man.
Masculinity =/= Men
I think one of the main reasons people get confused as to why lesbians go for masculine people but not men is because they think masculinity belongs to men. Of course, we live in a society where, from a young age, boys are encouraged to exhibit masculine traits while girls are encouraged to exhibit feminine traits. Due to this reason, we are also conditioned to believe masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to women. However, this is unfortunately what we call gender roles.
Masculinity does not belong to men just as femininity does not belong to women. I like to believe these are simply traits that anyone of any gender identity can use as a way to express themselves. It shouldn’t be something that is constraint to one specific gender. I believe men, women, and non-binary people should be allowed to freely explore the range of their own gender.
With that being said, I am attracted to masculinity. That doesn’t mean that I am attracted to men. Quite frankly, I am more attracted to masculinity in women and gender non-conforming people than I am to men. It’s as simple as that.
What Does It Mean to Be a Femme Attracted to a Butch?
The lesbian community likes to use the term butch/femme a lot, but it does seem that many people, especially those outside the community, don’t seem to understand what it fully means. Butch/femme (butch and femme) are terms from lesbian subculture, describing individuals who portray masculine or feminine traits respectively. Butch and femme are different from masc and fem: they are not adjectives, they are identities that lesbians embody.
These identities emerged as a way to rebel against traditional gender roles by presenting them through a lesbian lens. Butch and femme are identities that protect each other, butches protect femmes from any sort of harassment and femmes protect butches by concealing their identities while presenting themselves as straight. These identities have unfortunately been misunderstood as heteronormative, but the core essence of portraying these identities is for lesbians to be able to freely express themselves with their gender identity.
Because I am a lesbian
One of my favorite things to do when asked, “Why I don’t just date a man?” is to turn that question around. Why don’t you date a masc woman? Why don’t you date a butch? Most of them times the answer is “because I am straight.” and that’s my same answer as well. Because I am a lesbian. Simple as that. Lesbians shouldn’t have to explain their sexuality and attraction. We like who we like. As simple as it is.
